Ye jawani na milegi dubara

Chapter 1

HAhaha, kuch suna suna sa hai na, maine bhi jab suna apne apko bolte hue i was so impressed with myself. Maine apne apko bola: "Waah beta kya baat hai, tu to sachi mein talented nikla, Hahahaha, just ignore me, i keep praising myself (U know khud ki favourute types). Ha to ek din main apni ek friend se baat kar rahi thi aur as usual m naam bhool gayi movie ka aur achanak se maine ye naam bola. Meri frnd bolti "Abey oo, kause nashe m ho, kya bol rahi ho, Par naam acha hai, tabhi socha apne next blog isi naam pe likhungi par kya likhungi ye nahi socha tha, Jaise hum earings le lete hai ye soch k sath ki dress baad m kharid lenge waise hi kuch. 

Aajkal social media bhot boring sa ho gya hai, log kuch bhi likhte hai, kuch bhi post karte hai. Matlab adhi se zyada post same hoti hai aur wo bhi useless bhi. Aisa lagta hai puri duniya velli hai aur bas intazar karti hai ki koi news aaye aur usko bada bna de. Faltu ki behas, hazaro memes aur log bhot affect bhi ho rahe hai. Achanak se ab sabko chull machi hai kedarnath jane ki, sabko nibba aur nibbi k bare m likhna hai chahe khud aisa hi karte ho. Par chalo koi na, kuch na karne se kuch karna hi theek hai. Main to khud weird si ho gayi hu sara din memes dekhti rhti hu, unke screenshots leke status pe dalti rhti hu. Kabhi kabhi apne app se puchti hu, serioulsy?  Ek meme hai jo mujhe bhot fascinate karta hai, wo cool back banchers wala meme, a boy with Black topi, gold chain aur cigarette. Chahe jalani na aati ho, ya peete hue usko sari cigarette gila karde par cool to wai hai. 

Cool ki definition kya hai? pta nahi, i think it varies from person to person plus in same person also, it varies according to the age also. Mujhko yaad hai jab mai school m thi like first ya second class me tab jo bacha sabse fancy pencil box lata tha ya tiffin me maggie lata tha wo cool hota tha, cool kya studdd lga lo. Bande ka swag ki alag, pure tession me, ek class pehle ki khabar phail jati thi ki ye aaj lucnh m maggie laya hai aur fir jaise hi recesss honi aur class k sare bache usko gher k khade ho jate the, have it karle, please have it karle taki sab maggie kha sake. Mujhko 2Rs daily ki pocket money milti thi, aur maggie 5Rs ki,  appan ko bhi cool banna that to uske liye main apne 2.5 days ki pocket money save krke maggie leke jati thi taki sari class mere agee peeche ghume (attention ki bukhi, bachpan se hi ). Fir thode bade hue to class ka sabse cool bacha wai hota tha jo madam se na dare, kabhi padhe na, sare time cheating kare, mast wale perfume laga k aaye bas waisa hi jo aajkal ke memes m dikhate hai, full too barbad insan. 

Mujhko ye nahi samnaj aata ki sare memes me hamesha ek back bencher hota hai jo hamesha ulte jawab deta hai, bande ko class me kya padhaya ja raha hai ya kya chal rha hai uska koi hosh nahi, concepts itne clear ki bas kya hi btau, studd personality, cool u know aur fir wahi banda life me aage jake bada admi banta hai. Plus ek front bencher bhi hoti hai jo mam ki chamchi aur sara din padhne wali ladki jisse pure school ko umeed ho, sir me tel laga ke, choti bana ke, mota sa chshma pehen kar school aane wali jo hamesha mam ko yaad dilaye ki aaaj apne test conduct karna tha aur fir wo baad me house wife ban jati hai (sharma ji ke bete types). cliche u know. Koi beech wale bacho ki baat hi nahi karta, sara tension to unke sir pe hota hai, na to wo chamche ban paate aur na hi cool. Bechare teachers ko to unka naam yaad bhi nahi rahata. Ye wai log hai jo ghar pe sharma ji ke bete ki wajah se daat khate hai aur school me back benchers se bezzati karwate hai. Na to inme cool banne ka jigra hota hai aur na hi top krne ka talent. Waise mujhe personally lagta hai ki padhai se coolness ka koi negative relation nahi hai balki high iq aur smart log jyada cool hote hai. 

Chiraiya

 kya karu aisa ki mere papa mujhse pyar kare, meri izzat kare, kuch samjah nahi aata. Kai bar sochti hu mai ki maine aisa kya kiya hai ki mujhko har baat ki saja milti hai, mere kuch bhi bolne pe kyu itna gussa atta hai unko, kyu meri sidhi si baat bardast nahi hoti. Meri kya galti hai, kya gunah, bachpan se is sawal ka jawab dhund rahi hu, rab jane kab mai samjh paungi ya fir shayad mai samjhana hi nahi chahti. Nahi hota mujhse bardast, nahi sehan kar pati mai, itna gussa bhara hai mere andar iss baat ko leke ki jaise hi wo mere sath kuch karte hai mai chilla padti hu, ulta seedha bolti hu. Sabko meri galti dikhti hai par koi ye nahi sochta ki kaha se aaya itna gussa, kyu isse bardasht nahi hota. Chillane ke baad mai khud ro padti hu aur itna roti hu ki hisab nahi, jo hua uss wajah se nahi par ye soch soch kar ki ek insan kaise apne khud ke bache ke sath aisa kar sakta hai wo bhi sirf iss wajah se ki wo ladki hai. Rone ke baad jab dil halka hota hai to sochti hu kyu hu mai itni ziddi, kyu nahi bardast kar leti, duniya ki har ek ladki karti hai to mere ander wo bardast karne ki shakti kyu nahi aati. Kyu mai ladti hu aur ladne ke chakkar me unse ulta bolti hu, jitni bar bhi samjhau apne apko nahi samjh pati, akhir galti hi kya hai meri. Bahari duniya ko dekhti hu to lagta hai ki kya kuch nahi hota ladkio ke sath duniya me, chalo kam se kam mere sath wo to nahi hua, par fir sochti hu kya sirf atyachar bhot bada ho tabhi atyachar kehelata hai warna nahi, kya sirf physical torture hi torture hai mental nahi. Chota ho ya bada, galat kam to galat hi hai. Chahe unhone mujhko padhya, likhaya aur itna bada kiya par agar wo meri kadar nahi kar sakte to ye galat nahi hai. Mai ye soch kar to chup nahi raha sakti ki baki ladkio ko to ye bhi mauka nahi milta. Agar unko mauka nahi dena galat hai to mauka dene ke bad bekadri karna bhi to galat hai. Bohot log mujhko samjhane ki koshish karte hai hai , mai khud bhi karti hu apne apko samjhane ki par nahi hota, nahi samjh ata ki kyu mere papa mujhse pyar nahi karte aur agar karte hai to dikhane se darte kyu hai, kyu wo itna vishvas mujhpe nahi dikhate jitna wo mere bhai pe karte hai, kyu wo meri izzat nahi kar sakte, kya ladki hona itna bada gunah hai, paap hai, shayad ha, tabhi to har ek ladki kisina kisi roop me isko bardast kar rahi. Kabhi meri naukari , kabhi meri shadi ki umar, kabhi shadi ka kharcha itna bada sawal aur kashmakash kyu ban jata hai. Bata chhavi kya jawab hai tere pass iska, ye bote hi meri dost gusse aur dukh ki wajah se ro padi. Usko rota hua dekh kar meri ankhe bhi bhar aayi aur aaye kyu na kya galati hai uski shayad yahi ki wo ek ladaki hai. Pata hai itna gussa aata hai mujhko jab bhi mai aisa kuch sunti hu ya apne ass pass dekhti hu. Itna bebas aur lchar pati hu mai apne apko, mera maan karta hai ki mai zor zor se chilau ki " ha hu mai ladki aur naaz hai mujhko iss baat par" tum sab bhi karo apne ass pass wali ladkio par, kadar karo unki. Aur pata hai sabse jyada gussa unn ladkio par aata hai jo ye sab chup chap bardast kar leti hai ye soch kar ki ye to har ghar me hota hai, itna to bardast karna hi padta hai. Nahi, galat hai agar har ghar me hota hai to wo sai nahi hai, har ghar ko badalna hoga, chup rahne se kuch nahi hoga, ladna hoga. Meri aisi baate sunkar kai ladkiya bolti hai ki humko bolne se kya hoga, kisi stage par ja kar bolo,, hahahaha, bhasan nahi hai, gunheghar tum khud ho jo apne sath hone wala bartav sehan kar rahi ho. Mat karo. Maine aaj tak ek bhi jagah nahi dekhi jaha par ye fark na hota ho. Chahe wo cororate ho, entertainement ho, koi bhi field ye har jagah hai, kisina kisis roop me jarur kiya jata hai. Bohot si Aurte dekhi hai jo din bhar bhara ka kam karne ke baad ghar sambhalti hai aur raat ko apne pati se mar khati hai, sara din mehnat majdoori karne ke baad sabki jalile jhelti hai, kitni bachiya hai jo padhna chahti hai par unko mauka nahi milta to padh nahi pati hai, kitne log hai jo apne ghar ki aurto ko peete hai, kitne log apne ghar ki bahuo ko dahej ke liya jala dete hai, par kya sirf ye atyachar hai aur baki cheeze nahi. Kya ye umeed kaarna ki sara din kaam karne ke baad wo apne pati aur bacho ko khana de, apna ghar sambhale ye galat nahi hai,: kya ye galat nahi hai ki beto ko pyar aur betiyo ko fatkar mile, kya ye galat nahi hai ki padha likha kar shadi kardo aur apne carrier ko bhul jao, kya ye galat nahi hai ki hum apni mummy se khane ki umeed karte hai, unhi se sari aashaye rakhte hai par papa ko kabhi nahi kahate khana bana de, kya har baat pe ladki ko tokna ki aise chalo, zor se mat haso galat nahi hai kya ye galat nahi hai ki hum apni ladkio ko ghar se bahar nahi jane dete aur beto ko awara gardi karne bhej dete hai, kya ye galat nahi hai ki agar aurat ghar sambhalti hai to wo kisi layak nahi hai, kya ye galat nahi hai ki shadi ke bad jo pati khe wai pehena,, kya ye galat nahi hai apni ladkio ko bolna ki ghar ke decision me dakhal na de, kya ye galat nahi hai ladko ko pehle khana dena aur ladki ko badme, kya apni beti ki graduation ke baad padhi ye soch kar rok dena jyada padh legi to itna pdha likha ladka shadi ke liya nahi milega, kya ye baat galat nahi hai, ghar ke decision bhai aur papa lenge ye baat galat nahi hai, apni beti se umeed karna ki wo hi maa ka hath bataye beta nahi, ye bhi galat hai. Hai galat, bilkul galat hai, chahe chote ho par ye bhi atyachar hai. Agar 1 lakh rupaye kamane wale ladke ki maa apne ghar ke bartan manj sakti hai to ek lakh rupaye kamane wala ladka kyu nahi. Kyu ladki ko apna carrier ki bali kabhi apne ghar walo ki wajah se, kabhi pati ki wajah se aur kabhi bacho ki wajah se deni padti hai, kisine pucha usse ki wo kya chahti hai, usko ky passand hai, nahi bas ek vakya bolna seekh liya ki aurte sehesheelta ki devi hoti hai aur iski add me aap kitna hi atya char karlo wo bardast kar legi aur karna bhi chahiye. Excuse me bhai sahab, kabhi apne humse pucha ki sehen karna chahte bhi hai ya nahi ya fir khud hi apni galtio ko chupane ke liye hume ek tag de diya, nahi chahiye, nahi karna sehen, kaunsa insan kahega ki haa bhai karo mujhpe atyachar, mai to bani hi isike liye hu, socho thoda. Aur jo log bolte hai ki ladki ka rape hua ya acid attack kyuki wo galat jagah pe thi, wo galat time pe bahar thi ya fir usne galat kapde pehne the , to bhai sahab galat uss ladki ke kapde , uska bhar hona nahi, galat apki soch hai warna 2 saal ki ladkio ke ghar em balatkar nahi ho rahe hote. Kuch log aur bhi mahan hai jo ye bolte hai ki agar meri ladki aise kam kare to mai usko zinda jala du, to uncle ji apne andar ke admi hone ke ghamand ko jalaiye, kyuki galat uska ladki hona nahi balki apka apne ladke ko galat cheezo pe sath dena hai. HUmko ladkio ko ghar ke andar band karne ki jarurat nahi par unko shaktishali banan hoga taki wo apne bachav ke liye apne bhai ka intazar na kare aur khud apne liye ladd sake. ladko ko ladkio ki izzat karna sikhana hoga, agar pati kam karke aaya hai to patni bhi, dono ko milkar karna chahiye, agar aurt bahar ja kar kam karna chahti hai to usko rokna nahi balki badhava dena chahiye. Kyu agar kabhi gar me ladki paida hoti hai to log kahate hai lakshmi hui, bolo durga paida hui hai jo apne khilaf atyacharo se khud ladegi, hum usko itna majboot aur kabil banaenge ki usko kisi ke sahare ki jarurat nahi pade. 

Aksar log bolte hai ki meri stories bohot lambi hoti hai par kya karu ye topic itna sensitive hai ki chahu to puri kitab likh dalu. Hum chahe kitne bhi modern ho jaye, atyachar hota hai ladkio par bas atyachar karne ka dhang badal jata hai. Kabhi ek second nikalo aur socho ki kab kaise aur kaha humne khud kisina kisi aurat pe atyachar kiy hai, chahe wo kisi bhi roop me ho. aur agar apko ehsas ho ki ha ajnae me hi kiya hai to please unko jake sorry bolo aur gaale laga lo. EK bar apne as pass wali aurto ko thodi izzat deke dekho wo khud hi apko apne sir ka taj bana legi. Mai ye nahi kaha rahi ki ladko ke sath kuch nahi hota ya unke sath kuch bura nahi hota par aap khud socho ki har waqt apko apno se hi ladna padta hai. Hum duniya se to tab ladenge jab apne khud ke ghar wale bahar walo ko mauka denge, i think nahi, to utho aur jao aur apni mummy, didi, bhabhi, dadi, bua, chachi, beti, ya dost jisko bhi jante ho usko sorry bolo aur thodi kadar karo unki, izzat karo. Waise hi duniya me bohot udasi chai hui hai par mai lecture nahi dena chahti par agar ek bhi insan ki soch ladkio ke prati badal pau to mai samjhungi ki mera janam lena safal ho gaya. 

Chiraiya nahi hu, baaz hu, udne to do ek baar, badlo se bhi upar pohoch ke dikhaungi.  

Jana anjana sa safar

Ek din jab main saman lekar bazar se ghar aa rahi thi to darwaje ke peeche chupe hue mere bhai ne chilaya :" Dhappa !!!! darr gayi , darr gayi", ye sunke ek sec ke liye to meri heart beat skip hui par usko kha pata chalna tha ki main actually me darr gayi thi. Darr sabko lagta hai, kisiko ko chuhe se , kisko coacroah se, kisko height se, kisiko speed se, kisiko pani se. Bhot sare logo ko chipkali se, bhot se logo ko andhere se. Bhot prakar ke darr hai is duniya me, jo kisi na kisi insan ke dil aur dimag me samaye hue hai. Mujhko har cheez se darr lagta hai (literally har cheez se). Mujhko to unn cheezo se bhi darr lagta hai jisse kisi aur ko nahi lagta. par pehle main aisa nahi bolti thi, agar koi mujhse puchta tha ki kis cheez se darr lagta hai to main jawab deti thi ki bhooto ko chod kar har cheez se, ye sunkar samne wala puchta tha ki bhooto se kyu nahi lagta, to main bolti thi ki lagta hai par agar main sochu uss bare me to. Agar na sochu to raat ko 2 baje bhi akele chatt par ghoom leti hu aur sochlu to logo se bhare kamre me bhi darr lagta hai. 

Hamare campus me ek jagah hai jaha se pura campus dikhta hai aur sahi me view kafi acha hota hai. Waha janne ke liye thodi pahadi types chadhni padti hai. To aise hi ek sham hum 6, 7 logo ne socha ki chalo waha chalte hai. Already thoda late ho gaya tha par koi na kafi log the to kya hi fark padta hai. Hum chalna shuru kiye hi the ki itne me main thak gayi, meri speed ki wajah se sabki speed kam ho gai thi. Badi mushkil se thak thakate hue hum log pohoch gaye. Waha se campus bhot sundar dikh raha tha, kuch dosto ko photography ka shauk bhi tha to wo log photos click karne me lag gaye. Hum logo ne thoda time waha spend kiya aur fir socha ki chalo wapis chalte hai. chadhna mushkil hota hai par utarna nahi to sab apni masti me lage hue the. Hum log adhe raste bhi nahi pohoche ki kafi andhera ho gaya tha, andhera pura nahi par aisa ki kuch dikhai na de. Ek dost ko maja aane laga tha to usne bhooto ki baate shur kar di. Bolta socho agar hum neeche pohoche, aur pohchte hi ehsas ho ki hum firse wai pohoch gaye hai jaha se shuru kiya tha. Ye baat sunte hi mere andar ka thaka hua insan bola, : Main bar bar nahi utarungi, agar aisa hua to agli bar seedha roll ho jaungi aur neeche pohoch jaungi. Meri ye baat sunke mera dost hass pada, bolta ki matlab tumko ye tension nahi hai ki ye kaise hua, kya hua par tumko ye tension hai ki tumko firse utarna padega. Ye baat sunkar sab log hasne lage. Fir kisine kaha ki aisa hua hai kisi movie me. KAfi andhera ho gaya tha, aur andhera bhi ekdum bilkul andhera nahi tha par aisa sa jisse vision blurred ho jaye. Ab mujhe darr lagne laga tha, na idhar dekha na udhar aur apni ankho ka best istamal karte hue sirf aur sirf aage ke raste pe focus kiya. Soch to mai aise rahi thi jaise agar main nahi dekhungi idhar udhar to bhoot bhi mujhko kuch nahi kahega (hahahahaha). Fir thodi der me firse wai dost bola, socho agar tum peeche mud kar dekho aur tumko, tumhari shakal ka koi aata dikhai de to kya karogi??? Arey abhi tak to sirf dhadkan tez honi shuru hui thi par ye baat sunkar to dil aise dhadak raha tha ki thoda aur , to bas seene se bahar hi nikal jaega. Maine iss baat ko unsuna karne ki koshish ki . Baki sabne bhi ye baat majak me taal di par meere ander ek chull bhi to thi, ki ek bar dekh to lu, to maine bhot himmat juta karke apna muhh thoda saa peche ki taraf moda. Kafi andhera hone ki wajah se kuch bhi theek se dikhai nahi de raha tha, par ek ajjeb sa saya peeche se aage ki taraf aata hua dikhai diya. shit!!! meri to wahi jaan nikal gayi. AAaaaaaaa, mai bhot zor se chilai apne dimag me. Socha bolu dosto ko par laga ki ek baar dubara dekhlu kai wahem to nahi aur maine firse mud kar dekhne ki koshish ki to dekha mera ek dost jo sabse peeche tha wo aage aa raha tha, Shit ye dekh kar meri to jan nikal bhi gayi aur bach bhi gayi. Maine apne dost ko itni galiya di ki wo bhi sochne laga ki isko kya ho gaya hai. Ab dusra dost bolta ki tumko itna darrr kyu lag raha hai, hum sab sath hi to hai, agar jyada darr lag raha hai to mera hath pakad lo. Ab to bas bhagwan se yai prarthana kar rahi thi ki "hey bhagwan, hum sab sai salamt hostel pohoch jaye to  apki kripa hogi." Thodi der shant hone ke baad fir maine bola, waise mujhko hanuman chalisa aati hai. Hahahahaha karke sabhi hasne lage. Mera daar bhagane ke chakkar me dost bolta ki hunman chalisa hi kyu? maine bola aati to mujhko durga chalisa bhi hai. Wo bolta arey, itne busy bhagwan ko yaad karogi to wo tumhari help kaise karenege, ye wale bhot busy hai, koi aise bhagwan ji ko dhundo jo thoda free ho to tumhari madad kar sake. Ye sunte hi hum sab hass pade. AB theek to lag raha tha par darr mere dil aur dimag me samaya hua tha. Thodi der me hum hostel pohoch gaye. Pohochne ke baad hum sab bhul gaye aur apne apne kaamo me mast ho gaye.

Kyuki itni mehnat jo ki thi maine, to socha aaj thoda jaldi so jau. Aur mai so gayi, thodi hi der me, maine apne apko uss paahdi ke upar pati hu. Shit !!! Ye kya ho gaya , kaha aa gayi me , yaha kaise poch gayi, abhi to thodi der pehle hostel me thi. Kuch samajh nahi aa rha tha aur jitna darr tab nahi laga usse jyada darr ab lag raha tha. Ek taraf pahadi jungle tha aur dusri taraf, jagali khayi. Jab tak me kuch soch pati aur samajh pati, itni der me mere dil me khayal aaya ki iss jaagh to main apne dosto ke sath aayi thi, wo sab kaha hai? Mai unko idhar udhar djhundne lagi. Kuch na dikhai dene pe meri ankho se aansu behne laage. Itna darr zindagi me kabhi nahi laga tha jitna darr abb lag raha hai. Shit!!! ab main kya karu, mere baukhlaye dimag ne bola, koi nahi, jo bhi hai, jaisa bhi hai, iss situation se nikalne ki koshish karte hai. To itna soch aur samjh kar maine niche utarna shuru kiya, darr ke mare mere paav kapne laage the, gala buri tarah se sukh raha tha, dil ki dhadkan itni tez ki kisiko bhi dur se sunai de jaye. Andhera, sanata, aur ur dur tak koi bhi nahi. Maine ladkhadate hue kisi tarah neeche ki aur jana shuru kiya. Thodi hi dur pohochi thi, to mujhko kuch logo ke hasne, bolne ki awaz sunai di, jaise ki kuch logo ka group ja raha ho. Ye awaz mere liye ek asha ki kiran ki tarah thi, mai shayad yaha akeli nahi hu aur log bhi hai, meri raftar tez ho gayi aur mai jaldi jaldi neeche utarne lagi. Un logo ki awaz aur zor se aane alagi, ab aawaze kuch clear hone lagi thi. Kuch jani pechani awaze thi. Thoda aur kareeb jake dekha to mujhko apna ek dost dikhayi diya jiske sath sham ko hi main yaha par aayi thi. Mai usko zor zor se pukarne lagi. zor zor se awaz dene ke sath sath meri raftar aur tez ho gayi taki mai apne dost ke pass poch saku. Mai itni zor zor se usko awaz de rahi thi par fir bhi sun nahi pa raha tha, to socha thoda aur tez chalu aur uske pass pohoch jau. Mere ladkhadate kadam, dost ke pass pohochne ki aasha, meri awz us tak pochnake ke josh ke sath mai aage badhti gayi. AB mai uske kareeb hi thi aur maine uska naam pukara to usko kuch ehsas to hua, usne peeche mudkar mujhko dekha aur aage ki aur bhagne laga. Usko aise dekhkar mai aur ghbra gayi aur apne apko bebas aur lachar mehsus karne lagi. AB dimag me ye swal tha ki usne mujhko dekh kar bhi undekha kyu kar diya aur merse durr kyu bhagne laga. Ye janne ke chakkar me main aur tzez chanlne lagi, aage aakar dekha ki mera sara group jinke sath me sham ko aayi thi, wo sab hai.  Main ek ek karke sabko puarne lagi par kpi mujhko sun kyu nahi paa raha tha, meri samjh me kuch bhi nahi aaya. Gaur se dekhne pe meri ankhe khuli ki khuli raha gayi, uss group ke beech me ek ladki thi darri hui si jo bilkul meri tarah dikh rahi thi. Ye dekh kar meri ankho se zor zor se aansu behne lagge aur mai apne dosto ka naam uar zor se chilane lagi. Itna bebas aur lachar mehsus kar rahi thi mai apne apko, ki sabke hote hue bhi koi mere sath nahi hai, koi mereko sun nahi paa raha aur nahi koi meri madaad le liye hai. kuch bhi samjh nahi aa raha tha, kya karu , kaha jau, kisse maadad lu, me yaha kaise hu kaun hu, mai sach hu ya wo ladki jo inke sath chl rahi. ye log to sab wai baate kar arhe hai jo sham ko hum log kar rahe the. Iss baat ne to mujhko aur dara diya. BHot chilla chill kar rone lagi, kuch mehsus nahi ho raha tha , aisa lag raha tha mano ki shareer hai hi nahi. Thodi der rone ke baad maine apna hosh sambhala aur socha ki chod in sabko, main jaldi jaldi neeche jati aur iss agah se bhar nikla jati. Main ab daudne lagi thi, mere paisro me ek ajeeb si shakti aa gayi thi. Thodi hi dur pe mujhko bhar ka rsta dikhayi de raha tha, mere chere pe ab ek muskan thi ki chalo jo bhi hua, kuch samjh nahi aya par ab main apne hostel ja sakti hu aur iss jagah se bahar nikal sakti hu. Jaise hi main neeche pochne wali thi to ekdum se mujhko thoda sa chakakar aaya, par main sambhal gayi, socha ki daudne ki wajah se aisa hua, thoda khadi ho jati hu. EK do sec me jab theek laaga, to maine aass pass dekha aur dekhte hi mere hosh udd gaye, chehra peela pad gaya. MAine dekha ki main firse uss pahadi ke upar pohoch gayi hu jaha se maine shuruat ki thi. Ye dekhte hi maine bohot zor se chilaaya : Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Itne me hi mujhko ek dastak sunai di.

Mere room ke darwaze pe dastak hui. Dastak sunte hi meri neend khul gayi. Neend khulte hi maine dekha ki mera takiya pura giila hua hi, meri ankho se aansu nikla rahe hai aur mere dil ki dhadkan kafi tez ho rakhi hai. Uth to mai gayi thi par abhi bhi mai hosh me nahi thi, mera dimag abhi bhi wai soch raha tha aur mere sapne ke sadme me tha. Firse darwaze pe zor se dastak hui, mai aur darr gayi, ab lag raha tha ki kai mere darwaje pe mere jaise dikhne wali ladki to nahi, Mere darwaja kholte hi wo bole, aur aa gayi ahadi se. Ab itna darr lag raha tha, ki bas susu hi nikalne wlaa tha, itne me hi meri ek dost i awaz aayi. Badi himmat karke, khade ho kar maine darwaja khola. Apni dost ko dekh kar me foot foot kar rone lagi. Usko gale lagaya uar zor zor se rone lagi. USko kuch samjh nahi aa rha tha ki kya ho raha hai mere sath, mai kyu itna ro rahi hu. Usne mujhko pyar se puchkarne ke baad pucha, kya hua tereko kyu ro rahi hai, aur thodi der pehle tu baki logo ka naam lekar chilla kyu rahi thi  Mai wash room ja rahi thi to jaate jaate tere chillane ki awaz sunai di to socha puch lu kya hua(mera room washroom se next wala hi tha). Hosh sambhalte hue maine usko apna pura sapna bataya, sunkar wo hassi bhi shuruat me par meri halat dekh kar darr bhi gayi thi. Mereko shant karne ke chakkkar me usne bola ki koi baat nahi, bura sapna tha, dimag me wai sab chal raha tha isiliye tumko ye sapna aaya. Apne apko ko apne kamre me dost ke pass pakar jo sukoon mil raha tha wo mai bayan bhi nahi kar pa rahi. Usne mujhko pani pilaaya aur apne room se e chotu se ganpati ji diye, bola darr lage to inko yaad karlena. 

Uss din ke baad se ab mujhko harr cheez se darr lagta hai, apne aap se bhi. 

 

South India trip

 

Dosti jitna chota shabd, utna hi bada ehsas hai. Jitna isko samajhane ki koshish karo utna hi har daffa hairan kar deta hai. Badi alag kism ki prajati hoti hai ink logo ki, kahi par bhi, kisi bhi haal me(genrally jhalle), kisi bhi roop me mil jate hai, bas der hai to unko pehchanne ki. Mere pass bhi hai aise hi kuch namune, bhot khass hai, dil k bhot pass hai, ha ab jyada baat nahi hoti par pta hai jab bhi jarurat hogi, they will be there always. Me bhi shayad unnmese ek namuna hu. Har kisi k sath alag type ki dosti hai, alag rishta hai. To Aisa hi kuch rishte ke bharose maine apna baki soutn india trip shuru kiya. To ab apna pehla din banglore me bitane ke baad, mujhko salem jana tha apni dost ke ghar. 

Ek din akele bitane ke baad ek alag sa hi confidence tha ki ab to kahi bhi, kaise bhi chali jaungi. Idhar udhar dekha, fir breakfast krke, apne frn k liye mithai lene ki koshish krne ke baad m pohoch gyi bus stand. Ab pohoch to gayi par jana kha hai samjh nahi aa rha, kaunsi wali bus meri hai, kis jagah se milegi thoda confusing tha aur fir tamil bhi itni hi aati thi ki bas namaste bol saku (Vanakam), but meri frn pura time mere sath phone par mujhko guide kar rahi thi aur usne driver as well as conductor se baat bhi ki, aur thode hi ghanto me mai salem pohoch gayi. EK chota sa sheher, ekdam meri city jaisa, dur chote pahad, aur barsat ka mausam, bhot acha tha aur apni frn aur uske papa ko dekh kar aur bhi acha lag rha tha. It was such a pleasant welcome, tha to mere sheher jaisa hi par thoda alag, alag alag rang ke ghar, har ghar k bhar bani hui rangoli (jo mujhko lagta tha painted hai), red color ke kele, bhot sare coconut, mogre k phool balo m lagai hui aunties, lungi pehne hue uncle, (hahahaha) Sab alag tha fir bhi apna sa. Ye sab dekhte dekhte m apni friend ke ghar pohich gayi. Mai amma, appa se mili thi pehle bhi par aaj thoda alag lag rha tha aur bhot acha bhi. Hum ghar par teen din tak rahe kyuki mereko urgent kuch kaam aa gya tha, still my frn and her parents managed to entertain me, Appa got local cold drink, bhajji, banana pakora , amma made me world's best rasam, now also i miss it, dad use to make coffee daily for us and my frn use to make dosa whenever i tell her that i am hungry (literally anytime like 2 A.M. also). Appa got us everything with the thought of introducing south india to me as i was new to the place, he was trying to get all good things but who knew that i will be staying there for long time, longer than i planned. After staying for 3 days and finishing my work, we planned to go out of the house to see near by places, kovil (temple), a friend's place ( meri dost ki dost), we even went to a restaurant where we had lots of food. We decided to stay for one more day at home and then start for kerala. we planned to go and buy a kanchipuram saree for my mom as a sovenier as she is very fond of it and welcomed our one more friend from college who stays in tamil nadu only but very far from salem. It was a nice day and a reunioun after 3 months of finishing M.Tech.

To ab mera trip shuru hone wala tha, agle hi din hum kerala ki liye nikal gaye. Trip ki shuruat me hi maine thoda coconut milk faila diya (hahahaha), literally faila diya, appam par. Ratse me jab hum breakfast k liye ruke to nayi dish khayi jiska naam tha appam. Friend ke mana karne ke bavajud order to kar liya par ab samajh nahi aa rha tha isko khate kaise hai, wo ek round bowl jaisa kuch tha jiske sath me white color ka koi liquid katori me diya hua tha. Meri shakal dekh kar meri friend ne bola, mana kiya tha na mangane ko, mai bhi jiddi, bola yai khaungi. Dusri frined ne btaya ki ye coconut milk hai, isko appam me dal kar khate hai (dekha kha tha na fala diya coconut milk). wo itna meetha tha ki samjh nahi aa rha tha breakfast hai khane k baad khane wali sweet dish. Chalo jaise taise kar ke kha liya, gussai hui frn ko merepe taras aaya aur usne apna dosa bhi share kar liya. I had best memories of food in kerala. See kerala is very nice except food, atleast mere liye, aur ye to sirf shuruat thi. 

Kyuki salem tamil nadu aur kerala ke border ke pass hi tha, to hume jyada time nahi laga ur hum kerala pohoch gaye, waha par appa ne home stay book kiya hua tha. "wow" it was so good, food was homemade and awesome. Hot drinking water, cold weather plus we three friends, we didnt do anything different, but it was so awesome, wai gupshup, college ki baate, hindi tamil ki ladai. Aur kya chahiye jinee k lye, bas 2 dost. 

Kerala is so awesome, so beautiful and so full of nature, once u go there, for sure u will fall in love with it. We went to so many places such as periyar national park and all other places. It was so beautiful, so good weather, har waqt barish, meri frns aur unka camera, meri cameraman cum friend, meri photos, pagalpanti wale poses, dosa, bandar, and jeera water. Sab bohot acha tha, sab sai cha rha tha except of "parota and veg kurma" made in coconunt milk. Barish ki wajah se vegetarian options kam the aur ye unme se best option. You will not belive maine 2 din subh sham wai khaya aur wo din hai aur aaj ka din maine kabhi kurma dubara taste nahi kiya. see point ye hai ki ek to m north indian upar se vegetarian, kasam se rone hi lagi thi mai, par meri dost as always was there to save me dosa. Do din kurma aur dilkhush jagah pe bitane k baad fir hum munnar ki aur chale gaye, hum ratse me hi the ki bhaad (flood) ki condition ho gayi. Wow, ye to shayad koi bhi plan nahi karta, maine bhi nahi socha tha par kyuki maine aaj tak flood nahi dekha tha and i know dekhne ki cheez bhi nahi hai, par wo daar, wo pareshani, har ratsa pani me duba hua, car band hone ka khatra, salem wapis na pohochpane ka khauf, sab bhot alag tha. Hum jis bhi ratse pe ja rhae the, thodi der me hi wha pura pani bhar ja raha tha, mujhko chod kar sab pareshan the, appa aur amma sabse jyada kyuki humari responsibility bhi unke upar thi, par me to apni hi dhun m mast, itna sara pani dekh kar khush ho rahi thi (so stupid of me). Kisi traha, ratsa badal badal kar, hum kerala ki baadh se nikal kar tamil nadu me aa gaye, Safe and sound. Main to mast kharate maar kar so rahi thi, baki sab preshan, thoda flood ki wajah se, thoda travelling aur hectic hone ki wajah se. Chalo jo bhi tha, ab jaise taise hum ghar pohochne wale the. Ab aage kya karna hai ye sochna baki tha, issse pehle m kuch soch pati, tabhi hi ratse me mere ek aur dost ka phone aa gya jine meri duniya palat di.

Ek M.Tech ka batchmmate hai mera, jhalla sa jo hamra placememnt coordinator bhi tha, to mai usko sara time pareshan karti rhati thi ki kai job dilwa, kai job dilwa. Thode dino pehle hi mujhko pta chala tha ki wo kisi chennai ki company me kaam kar rha hai, to usko maine phone karke majak me bola ki "kya bhai, khudki job lga li, hmara kya hoga." Iss baat ka jawab dene ke liye uss din wapis aate hue uska call aaya. Phone uthane pe bola ki meri comapny me vacancy hai, apply karle agar chennai me rhna sai lage to. Ok i was not prepared for it yet. mai to bhot halke me sab le rahi thi ki abhi to bhot ghumenge fir main aram se bangalore jake kisi pg me rahungi, dar dar thokre kha kar job dhundingi, par ye kya, it was like a shock. Usne btaya ki abhi 2 months k contract par hai, try karle agar acha laga to theek warna chod dena. Acha aur bura lagne se pehle mujhko chennai jake test dena tha aur interview wagera sab clear karna tha, to usko maine pucha ki kab aa jau, to bola ki kal hi aaja, better rahega. Ok, i was thinking of thinking about it later, par isne to sochne ka mauka hi nahi diya aur bola kal hi aa ja, ab iss duvidha me thi main ki agar nahi gayi to aage se usko job k liye bhi nahi bol paungi aur upar se job profile bhi sai lag rha tha, to socha kya pta yai sai ho par still i was confused and not sure. Maine apni dosto ko btaya to unhone bola, u should give a try, agar nahi hua to bhi experience ho jaega, u should decide about joining later, once u clear it. Abhi wo jo bol rahe the sai to lag rha tha par daar bhi lag rha tha. Abhi tak banglore me bhai tha, salem me dost par chennai, ye to mere plan me tha hi nahi, ab iska kaise, kab aur kya karu, kuch bhi samjh nahi aa rha tha. Ek bar laga ki mere dost mujhse pareshan ho gaye hai, isiliye jane ko bol rahe hai. Par fir laga , nahi, mere bhale ke liye hi bol rahe hai. Ab ghar pohoch gaye, naha liya, kha bhi liya par ab ek ajeeb si confusion hai mere dilo dimag me, kya main kar paungi, kya mai rha paungi, papa ne bhi mna kiya bolte koi future nahi hai, wha kaise rahegi and all, unn sabko to main samjha leti agar main khud kuch samjh pati. Itna socha ki soch soch kar ghutno me dard ho gya (hahahaha, jsut kidding) aur soch to aise rahi thi ki jaise job mil gayi hai. Jab main khud kuch decide nahi kar ati tomin apna decision duniya pe chod deti hu, matlab apne dosto aur well wishers se discuss karti hu kya karna chahiye. Jisne job ka btaya tha usse baat ki, baki saab se baat ki abhi bhi kuch samjh nahi aa rha tha, fir maine bhramaastra nikala aur maine apni mummy se baat ki, she is ultimate, meer har dukh duvidha aur dard ka ilaj hai wo aurat (hahahha), unko pucha kya karu to bolti hai, "mai kya btau kya karna hai, tu khud decide kar ki tune apni life me kya karna hai, humne tumko iss layak bna diya hai ki tum apne decision khud le sako", sunke thoda dhakka laga, pta hai thodi kadak hai par help jarur karengi (akhir maa ksiki hai) isiliye main chup rahi. After a pause she told, why are u scared, tu job karne hi wali thi na banglore me, wha kaun hota sath, kisike bharose karna ka plan tha, nahi na, kyu itni pareshan hai, pehle try to kar, agar mil jati hai, tab badme sochna." It hit me hard, my mom is always like this, my sole supporter, chahe ho jaye hamesha mere sath khadi hai. After a long discussion, and conversation with my dad, i decided ki pehle interview dene jate hai, baki ka baad me dkhenge (against my dad's wish). He also gives me confidence by denying to it, agar uunhone mana kar diya to ab pakka karna hai. He has his own reasons, hamesha bacho ko apne pass rakhna chahte hai, kabhi dur nahi bhejna chahte, (for both of us), to darte hai shayad, par maine wahi karna hai jo unhone mana kiy hai. uffff,, after so much of brain stormig, meri frn aur maine milkar chennai me hotel book kiya, near my office, fir bus ticket bhi book ki. Jab insan mentally prepared hota hai to physical preparartions to bas formality ki trah hoti hai. Miane apna sara saman pack kiya, jo bhi jarurat ka tha,apne sare documents rakhe, photocopies, sab pack kiya. Amma appan concerned the ki main kaise akeli jaungi kya karungi, wo bol rhe the bhai ko bulane ko par unko kaise btati ki usse ladai ho rakhi hai, to aine unko iss point se distract karne ke liye uss friend k phone kiya jisne job ka btaya tha, usko bola agar wo bus stand lene aa sake to acha rahega. Bhaisahab ne pehle to mana kar diya (how rude of him) fir baad me bola chal theek hai, mai aa jaunga. Chalo ab sab thoda sorted lag rha tha, amma appa ki bhi pareshani dur ho gayi, Ab bas bacha tha to test and interview clear karna. Saman le kar bus mai baith gayi. Dekho hamra dimag kitna sochta hai na, pehle ye soch kar pareshan thi ki interview k liye jau ya nahi, apna to kara kara baki sabka bhi dimag khrab kar diya, aur ab ye soch kar pareshan thi ki itni discussion aur jaado jehed ke baad mera test aur interview clear nahi hua to mai kya karungi. Hai ram !!!! itna dimag gumane ke baad apni ek purani freind ka dilogue yad aaya, jab kuch samjh na aaye ya kuch bhi tumhare hatho me naho  to tension mat lo, sleep lo, aur fir maine waise hi kiya  aur subh subh chennai pohoch gayi.  Dost ne hotel drop kiya aur ratse me office bhi dikha diya aur btaya ki kisse ja kar milna hai. Ok, mai ready bhi thi upar se complementary breakfast bhi tha. Khush thi mai, pta hai kya, har choti choti cheez se hi life me confidence aata hai, aur mai to uss mode me thi jo kisi bhi cheez ya kahi se bhi confidence le le. Ab office to phoch gayi par ek ajeeb si feeling thi kyuki iss janam me to main isse pehle kabhi kisi office me job k liye nahi gayi thi, bhot ajeeb lag rha tha, upar se weekend tha, pura office khali, HR thi waha par, shayad unko ehsas ho gaya tha mere darr ka to mujhko comfort karne ke liye unhone mujhko chai offer ki aur jyada comfortable na ho jau isiiye test bhi de diya. Mujhko lagta hi ki mai jyada sochti hu par kya karu aisi hi hu aur isi wajah se i was worried ki ye sab kya ho raha hai, sai hai bhi ya nahi, kya hoga ye sab mere dimag me chal rha tha, itna ki chai lover ko chai bhi besawad lag rahi thi. Test dekh kar thoda confidence aaya, ki chalo kuch to aata hai, sab khatam kiya aur HR ne btaya ki "jab iska result aa jaega tab interview hoga. Ek test aur hai jo aap room par se hi kar sakte ho", theek hai bolkar mai wapis hotel aa gayi. 

AB kya karu, fir ek awaj ayi , mere dil ki awaj thi, wo bol raha tha dekh: wai mulayam bistar, mast Ac, zomato, laptop aur internet, bhul gayi tu apna sapna jo M.Tech me apne dosto ko bolti thi, "yaar bas maan kar rha hai ek hotel room book karu, mast Ac chalau aur padi rahu", aaj wo sapna tere samne,  tera intazar kar raha hai, ja aaj usko firse sakar kar le. Saturday tha, maine hotel monday tak book kiya hua tha, ye soch kar monday tak pta chal gya aur ho gya to interview de kar hi wapis chali jaungi (typical but smart baniya). Ab maine movies dekhni shuru ki,  agli bar jab hosh sambhala to pure 2 din ho chuke the. Bas mai, mera laptop ac aur bhar ka khana, full too aish mari, aur pta hi nahi chala ki ye do din kab beet gaye, aur time bhi beet jata agar papa ne daat nahi mari hoti, unhone bola ab to room se nikal kai ho kar aa, to laga sai kha rahe hai. Ab to mere me itna josh tha jaise maine koi jang fatah kar li ho, mera dimag ab dialogue mar rha tha: haiiiii chennai kya ab to mai kahi bhi ja sakti hu, auto book karo aur chale jao, kya hi frk padta hai. Itne confidence ke sath maine uthaya google aur search kiya, places to visit in chennai aur fir man bna kar main marina beach aur kapaleeshwarar temple ghum kar aayi. Beach was so nice, calm, i had pani puri, kya karu bhot chatori hu, pani puri bhot passand hai mujhe. Jab next day bhi kuch pta nahi chala to mai frn ke ghar aa gayi salem me. Test ke baad itna confience tha ki clear to ho jaega ab tha to sirf interview. AB kitne din dost ke pass rehti aur usko pareshan karti, maine apna mann bna liya th banglore jane ka rakhi bhi aa rahi thi. Itne me mere mummy papa ne mil kar mere bhai ko samjhane ki koshish ki, aur wo thoda convince ho gya, rakhi par mujhko apne ghar aane dene ko. To main apna sara saman pack kiya aur banglore aa gayi. Socha agar chennai wali job ka kuch hota hai to theek warna rakhi ke baad apne liye pg dhundu aur job ki talash shuru kar du. Firse hotel book kiya kyuki mere bhai sahab ne sirf 2 ghante ke liye ha ki thi, waha ruku thoda time aur fir rakhi bandh kar wapis chali jau. Shayad jo bhai kar rha tha sai bhi tha aur jaruri bhi, kyuki isne mujhko independent hona sikhaya, kafi kuch sikhne ko mila iski wajah se warna shayad main kabhi itna confidence apne andar la hi nahi pati. Papa abhi bhi iss baat se khafa the ki main kyu is job me interested hu, meri field se bhi alag hai, chennai me bhi hai, still ab mujhko lag rha tha ki me khud ke liye kuch kar sakti hu. Mera test clear hua aur maine wo job join karli. Pata hai intni khus thi ki main pehle hi din apna bevkoof bnwa liya, mera office second flooe pe hai aur first floor wale office me ghuss gayi, maje se ja rahi hu, ek bar dimag me aaya apna office to nahi lag rha, log bhi waise nahi lag rahe, socha tu pagal hai, weekend tha, tune sirf 2 ya 4 logo ko dekha hoga, abhi kaise mil jaenge wo log aur apni dhun me , chere pe badi si muskan le kar chali gayi. Sab log mujhko ghoor bhi rahe the aur admi ne himmat juta kar mujhse puch hi liya, kaha jana hai? Mai samjahdhar , maine bola office (hahhahaha), bolte kause office , fir maine apni company ka naam btaya to unhone bola aap galat floor pe aa gayi hai (ohh my god) jitni badi smile thi pehle mere chere pe ab usse bhi badi majak ban gayi thi, fir socha chod, kisne dekha hai aur waise bi tere office walo ko to nahi pta na, kya hi fark padta hai. To aisa hua mera South India trip, abhi tak i am working for that company, so my south india trip is still on. Jab bhi koi merse ya meri mummy se puchta hai ki chennai kaise job lagi to bas yai bolte hai ghumne gayi thi lag gayi. Even office me bhi sab hairan the, main apne ghar wapis diwali par gayi aur apna baki ka saman le kar aayi. 

In sab experience se yahi seekha, kitna hi plan karlo, kuch bhi karlo hona wai hai jo apko nahi pata, so be ready and prepared always, kabhi bhi kuch bhi ho sakta hai, koi bhi opportunity apke darwaje par dastakhat de sakti hai, Par darwaja khol kar usko welcome to humko hi karna hai. Agar main dar kar job ke liye apply nahi kar rah hoti to pta nahi abhi kha par hoti mai. Ab chennai bhi apna sa lagta hai, different hai, par acha hai. Ab chennai bhi ghar se utna hi dur lagta hai jitna ki banglore. So be positive, be spontaneous aur apne dosto ko kabhi mat bhulo. 

How i planned for South India trip

 

Spontaneous bole to , jo apne aap ho jaye, jisko koi external force ki jarurat na pade. Pta nahi aisa kya hai is duniya me jo apne aap hota hai, i think jo bhi hota hai kisi na kisi force ki wajah se hota hai, pta nahi bohot confusing hai ye sab, ha par apni post graduation ke baad ye zarur seekh liya hai ki life me spontaneous hona bohot jaruri hai, u shloud always be ready for whatever happens. Ready hone se matlab ye nahi hai ki suit wagera pehen ke ready hona, par jo bhi ho rha hai usko accept karna. Apna to life me ek hi funda hai ki chahe kitni bhi planning karlo, par hona wahi hai jo mujhko nahi pta, to plan karke kyu time waste karna. I always wait and see the surprise that god has planned for me. Aise bhot badi bhakt nahi hu mai par ha itna believe karti hu ki koi to hai jo upar baith kar meri life design kar rha hai, hu na drama queen, pehle hi btaya tha (Story: Ek khaab haqiqat sa). See the point is kitni bhi preparation karlo, planning karlo, bhagwan will always be ready with a twist that u never expect to happen. Ha ho sakta hai logo ko bachkana lage, faltu lagge, par bhai sahab itni planning karke apne kya ukhad liya, kya aap aaj wai pe ho jo apne 10 saal pehle socha tha? I am sure u are not, mai bhi nahi, to kyu itna sochna fir. Bachpan itna hasseen aur asan kyu tha, kyuki hum bina soche samjhe cheeje karte the, m ye nahi kha rahi ki jo bhi man me aaye galat ya sahi karo, par ye bol rhi hu ki ek hi cheez k bare me bar bar kyu sochna. Jab hum plan karte hai to sochte hai, jab usko execute karte hai to sochte hai, jab uske loopholes nikalte hai to sochte hai, jab sab apne according nahi hota to sochte hai aur pareshan ho jate hai. Kya faida, sochna hai to kitni achi cheeze hai iss duniya me sochne k liye, jaise ki aaj kya pehnana hai, aaj nahana hai ya nahi, aaj kya khana hai, aaj kha ghumne jana hai, aaj kya aisa nya try karna hai jo pehle nahi kiya (achi cheeze only). 

Pta nahi me hi sirf aisa sochti hu ya fir meri life ke experience ne mujhko ye sikhaya hai, shayad life ne hi. Meri life me bhot kuch aisa hua hai jo maine socha bhi nahi tha, unme se ek hai ye south india trip. Though i like travelling, but aisa nahi hai ki mai bohot ghumti hu,. During my M.Tech ek random din me, jab main apne dosto se baat kar rahi thi, mostly south indians, to ek dost ne btaya ki south india me ye acha hai, dusre ne btaya ki ye acha hai, south india is so beautiful, rasam bhot tasty hota hai, aur pta nahi kya kya. unse baat karte karte mane randomly bla theek hai to M.tech ke baad me ek south india trip plan karungi aur me ye sab jagah ghumungi. Sath hi sath maine apne apko unn logo k ghar bhi invite kar liya. sabo laga majak hai, maine bhi majak majak me bola tha, par pta nahi kyu ye majak har thode dno me repeat hone laga, matlab jab bhi unse baat hoti to wo bolte waise bhi tu aa hi rahi hai hmare ghar tab dekh lena, ya fir jab tu aaegi tab chalenge and all that. Aur dheere dheere mera majak udane lage, sabko chup karane ke liye maine bol diya ki maine ticket bhi kra li hai aur ek random date bol diya, 1august. Ab bol to diya , ab kya karu, mere chehre pe tension dekh kar meri ek frn ko pta chal gya ki maine jhut bola hai, to usne baad me mujhko bola ki mai south india aa jau uske ghar aur fir hum plan karenge ghumne ka. i was relived. chalo koi to hai. Then i called at home aur pta chlta hai ki mera bhai jo banglore me rhta hai wo ghar aaega july end me aur 1st august ka return hai,to maine socha kyu na m iske sath hi ticket kra lu.

 It was our covocation day, sabke parents aaye hue the, aur sabhi ne mujhko unke parents se introduce kraya. As ususal sabne pucha ki aage kya karne ka plan hai, to randomly maine bola ki abhi to koi plan nahi hai as such, fir thoda serious osund karne k liye bola ki mai unke ghar aane wali hu august me,uske baad kuch sochungi. sabke parents the to meri mummy bhi thi wha pe aur unhone mujhse baad me pucha ki ye sab kya chal rha hai. to maine unko sab btaya, fir unhone suggest kiya ki, " waise bhi tu thode din baad ghar aa jaegi, tab sochna kya karna hai, aur  fir august me gum lena south india aur waise bhi job wagera ya aage kya karna hai uske liye banglore se achi jagah kya hogi. I was convinced with her idea aur hu bhi kyu nahi, for the very first time ye sab hone ja rha tha. Ab mummy ne bol to diya par being a mom she was worried ki akele kaise jaegi, isiliye meri mummy ne ghar jate hi bhai ko convince kar liya july end me ghar aane ka aur august me sath banglore jane ka. Mujhko campus me thode din rukna tha to mera bhai campus aaya ghumne ke liye aur hmari ladai ho gayi bure wali. To plan to hai par ab execute kaise hoga pata nahi. Campus me kaam khatam karte karte kafi din ho gaye aur me ghar aayi 26th july ko. Aate hi mujhko bukhar ho gaya aur mere papa ko meri flight ka idea hi nahi tha. on 29th jab papa car book kar rahe the tab maine unko btaya ki m bhi vipin ke sath ja rhi hu, he was shocked and said no, u will not go. i was angry and confused as there are many reasons to cancel my plan. 

1) i was having fever

2) I just came to home

3) No plan after going to my frns place and her family also some mishappening happened. 

4) fight with brother and he said he will not take me to his home in banglore

5)No reason to convince my dad

Then this time my Mom supported me and told, if u wanna go, go now if u will cancel the plan then i dont know whn u will be able to execute it. Before convincing anyone else, i was supposed to convince myself. because, jo bhi decide hoga, it will affect my life only. I asked myself some quetions as u always need expert's advice: 

1) Do i really want this

2) Can having only fever will stop me

3) am i dependent on my brother

And these three questions were sufficient to convince myself. If i am convinced , i believe,i have the power to convince others. After having a long session of self interogation, i convinced my dad using the typical baniya trick. "papa flight ka paisa refund nahi hoga" and it worked, i told him, ki main kuch nahi hua to wapis aa jaungi. I was happy and scared too, aur ho bhi kyu nahi, for the very first time i was going to travel alone to a totally new and unknown place , with a random plan. Airport jane k liye car me baithte hue aisa lag raha tha ki me jung pe ja rahi hu, ek ajeeb sa ehsas ki me kai galat to nahi kar rahi, papa abhi bhi bol rahe hai mat ja, ruk jau kya, ek bari k liye to maan kara li sara saman nikal lu aur bolu nahi jana kai bhi mujhko, me aap logo ke pass hi rahungi, par fir socha nahi aaj ruk gayi to hamesha rukegi and we left for the airport. Bura lag raha tha ghar walo ko chod k jaate hue, Mere sath hamesha aisa hota hai ki mujhko ek taraf ghar wale, ghar ka aram, ghar ka khana aur dusri taraf khud ki khushu, azadi, dhool mitti aur dhake me se kisis ek ko chunna padta hai, aisa nahi hai ki main apne parents ko naraz karke ja rahi thi par chod kar to ja hi rahi thi. par theek hai, ye sawal hamesha mere samne khada hoga aur ek bar soch liya to bas theek hai. For the very first time i booked my hotel room in banglore, bhai k ghar se jyada door nahi tha par still i was feeling weak, shyd fever ki wajah se. we landed in banglore, use baad wo apne ghar aur me apne hotel. Ek ajeeb sa phase tha wo, kyuki kuch samjh hi nahi aa rha tha, kuch mehsoos hi nahi ho rha tha, sab confusion me tha, shyd kyuki me abhi campus se aayi thi aur campus ki duniya bhar se puri alag, aate hi ek random plan pe aa jana, first time aleke rhna, par kuch bhi feel nahi ho rha tha, ha par soch liya tha ki agar jarurat padi to apna haryanvi roop jarur bhar nikal lungi. Hotel me check in karte hue jab bola ki akele ke liye hai to reception pe ajeeb sa reaction diya, par theek hai, mujhko bhi ajeeb hi lag rha tha. i went to the rom, sman bhi rakh diya, mummy ko phn bhi kar diya pohchne ka, next day frn k ghr jana tha, wo bhi baat ho gayi. Ab kya karu, samjh hi nahi aa rha tha. i texted one of my frn, and i can never forget what she told me, i told her about my fear and she replied: " Arey kuch nhi hota, mai kitni bar hotel me akeli rahi hu, aur tu to hmara sher hai, darna kaisa". yaar ye frns bhi kitne ajeeb hote hai na and this girl, we rarely talk par pta nahi jab bhi jarurat hoti hai, we end up helping each other and as always her words did the magic and It helped me a lot. 

Jab m campus me thi, tab apne dosto se mjak karti thi, ki mera sapna hai, ek hotel room book karu aur kuch nahi bas wha ke mulayam gaado (mattress) pe so jau. After talking to my frn, i gained my senses back aur socha ki ye wai sapna to hai jo pura hone ja rha hai, hotel room bhi hai, gadda bhi hai, mausam bhi acha hai, to kyu na sari tension bhula ke iss moment ka mja liya jaye. I kept all my worries in my trolley and took out the fresh cloths, i went to take bath with hot water, i dont know what it was, but this was the perfect bath i can ever have, perfect temperature of water. it was so soothing that i was not able to stop myself. after spending 45 minutes, i finally convinced myself that i will take it again in some time. Pta nahi fever ki wajah se ya kuch aur. After that amazing bath, i was checking my phone and randomly replied to one of my frn's status and i came to know he is also in Bangalore, staying nearby only. It was so random and unplanned, i thought, my life is giving me signals, beta sab unplanned hi hota hai, kuch bhi karlo. We decided to go out for dinner. He shared me one location and i was supposed to reach there in 10 mins. First i went out, saw a panipuri wala, i had it, it was tasty and different, then i went to all possible directions to understand where i have to go, finally, somehow i reached to the location. We went for typical Karnataka dinner. it was so awesome, i was not able to taste everything but still the feeling of having something totally new, old frn in new place, everything was so good. He dropped me to my hotel and after that whatever i promised to myself, i did, again i took bath for some 45 mins. it was so good. Finally i pilled all the pillows, joined both the single beds, packed everything for tomorrow and landed in my bed. I read none novel for 1 hour and then i slept. This was the most feverishly amazing day of my life. I might have cancelled this plan, i might have kept thinking about my worries, then i would not have enjoyed my day like this. So Don't think twice, just do it. This is how i started my south India trip, there is lots to reveal about this trip but yeah the start itself is worth sharing with everyone.    

Ek khaab haqqiqat sa

 

Ek khaab hai jo haqiqat sa lagta hai, pta nahi ki sach m khaab hai ya haqiqiat. Shayad meri kisi khwaish ne usko khaab k roop me dekhne pe majboor kiya hai. Roz aanhe bharti hu uske baare me soch kar, kabhi kabhi baate bhi kar liya karti hu, kafi sapne sanjoye hai uske baare me, uske sath, kai bar itna doob jati hu uske khayalo mein ki pura kissa soch leti hu, aur fir alag alag situation me kaise react krta, ki agar aisa hoga to aisa karte, sath me ghumte, baate karte, sirf battein nahi aur bohot kuch bhi........ Dekha kitna drama bhara hai mere andar, Chahti to m bohot kuch hu, pyar bhi m bohot karti hu, par pta nhi kisse, kaun hai wo, kha hai, hai bhi ya nahi. Ek muraat hai jo maine apne dil mein, dimag me bnai hai. Usme wo sab gunn hai jo mujhko chahiye, jo mujhe passand hai, agar passand nahi bhi hai fir bhi jo mera hai. Shayad meri tadap ne meri khwasiho ko ek roop de diya hai jisko mein soch sakti hu, jisske sath main baaten kar skti hu, jiske sath hass sakti hu, ro sakti hu par usko chu kar mehsoos nahi kar skti. 

Janti hu ye padhne k baad kuch log judge karne wale hai mujhko, bhot log sochenge ki ye meri story h ya meri fantasy hai aur kafi log bechara feel karenge mere liya, sab sai hai, par life me tension nahai hai. 

 

Main ek aaj ke zamane ki ladki hu, bas jamane se thoda dheere chalti hu, apne wajan ki wajah se. Chahti to main bohot kuch hu, sochti uska bhi 10 guna hu par karti uska 0.001% bhi nahi aisa meri maa aur mera bhai ka kahna hai. Jo bhi hu jaisi bhi hu, apni nazaro mein kafi khubsurat hu aur kisi se kam bhi nahi hu. Ya fir apni kamiyo ko andekha karke dikhawa karne ki adat si ho gayi hai, apni ankho ko aur kano ko band kar diya hai taki logo ka majak, unki hassi, unke tanne, meri nakal utarna, mreko dekh ke hairan hona, peeth peeche batten karna ye sab na hi sun saku aur na hi dekh saku. Khud ka majak bnati hu taki sab hass sake aur dusro ko mera majak bnane ka mauka na mile. Bura lagta hai, bohot bura lagta hai jab koi aur majak banata hai. Bachpan mein ek insecurity thi meri dil mein, mujhko lagta tha ki koi mereko ladki kyu samjhega, ya koi mereko chedega kyu, isilye agar koi kuch kahta tha ya chedta tha to main sochti thi ki nahi sari duniya mar gayi hai kya jo wo mereko chedenge ya mere peeche aayega aur fir main jaake unse dosti karne ki koshish karti thi taki wo ye sab na kare aur mere dost ban jaye. Taki wo mera dookh samjh sake aur ye sab band karde. Mujhko lagta tha ki wo ye sab jaanboojh kar, kar rhe hai taki mera majak bna sake. Mujhko pta hai ki wo ye sab jaan bujhkar kar rhe hai kyuki wo bhi jante hai ki m apne bare me kya sochti hu. Meri khud ki soch ki wajah se main chup rehti thi aur kisiko kuch nahi kahti thi. Bas ek khayal ki koi kaise mujh jaisi k peeche pad sakta hai mere dil me sma gya tha. Shayad abhi bhi aisa hi lagta hai. Par ab ek cheez hai jo maine band rakhna chod diya hai aur wo hai mera muhh, har waqt bolti hu, kisise bhi bol leti hu, kuch bhi bol leti hu,kitni der bhi bol leti hu, acha lagta hai,khushi milti hai ya ye mere andar chupi ek choti si ladki ko chupa leta hai. Wo ladki, jisko logo ki attention bohot passand hai, ladki ki tarah sharmana, sajna, sawarna acha lagta hai, ladkiyo ki tarah kapde pehnana, hasna, bolna, chalna acha lagta hai, jisko kisi ladke k chune se kuch kuch hota hai, jisko pasand hai ki koi usko dekhe, uski tareef kare, usse alag mehsoos kraye, wai girlfrend - boyfriend wala relationship, manna ki bacho wali baate hai par kisko acha nahi lagta ki usko koi poore group me usko special attention de, Usko hi nihare ya ye kahu ghurta rahe aur nazre milne pe nazre chura le, usse milne ki koshish kare, usse ghaitya jokes pe bhi hasse, uska sath de, laade bhi ussi se aur pyar bhi usi ko kare. Huhhhhh, btaya na sochti bohot hu aur itni sab khwaisho ko apne andar dafan karke rakhi hu. Ye chupi hui ladki bahar wali ladki se bilkul alag hai. 

Bahar wali ladki ekdum bindass, ekdum bold hai, jo uske man me aata hai wo bolti hai, jisse man aata hai usse bolti hai, ladka ya ladki har koi dost hai, sabka khyal rakhti hai, kuch bhi pehen leti, sabka majak udati hai, jab man kiya , jo man kiya wo karti hai, hardum khush rehti hai ya khush rehne ka dikhawa karti hai. Par jo bhi hai jaisi bhi hai andar ya bahar apni apni jagah sahi hai, khush hai. Bahar wali ladki jab bhi akeli hoti hai to apne andar ki dafan ki hui ladki ko jga deti hai, apni khwaisho ki ek duniya me ghus jati hai, jiski wo rani hai, jis duniya ki wo sabse khubsurat ladki hai, jis duniya mein usko koi judge nahi karta , koi kuch bolta nahi, jis duniya mein sab usko pyar karte hai ya uske diwane hai, usko pana chahte hai, jis duniya me sab free hai. Ajeeb hai par uski duniya hai, aur uski duniya mai koi usko judge nahi karta aur iss duniya me kaun kya kahta hai uuse usko fark nahi padta. Kai bar lagta hai ki m hi itni ajeeb hu ya fir ye sabke sath hota hai. Shayad sabke do roop hote hai, ek jo sabke samne aur ek jo har kisi k samne nahi hota. Bas fark itna hai ki kisi kisi ko wo log miljate hai jinke samne wo apna chupa hua roop bhi dikha sake, jinke samne wo jaise bhi hai andar ya bahar, sab dikha sake. Main bhi wai insan dhundh rhi hu jiske samne mai apna azadi wala roop aur sharmati hui rani wala ropp dono dikha saku, jo main hu, jaisi hu, usko khushi ke sath apna le. Hum sab shayad yahi chahte hai, har koi kahi na kahi apne liye acceptance dhundh rha hai. 

A tall, dark and handsome ladke ki chahat to har kisi ke dil me hoti hai par mere dil main nahi hai, mereko un logo pe vishvas hi nahi hota. Mujhko apne jaise perfectly imperfect log ache lagte hai jinme hazaro kamiya hoti hai. Shayad ache to perfect log bhi lgte hai par janti hu ki wo log mere liye nahi hai ya main unn jaise logo k bare m soch bhi nahi sakti, waise bhi agar kabhi aisa koi mila bhi to shayad main kabhi usko pyar nahi kar paungi kyuki mere dil me usko leke hamesha ek insecurity rahegi. 

Waise jiska khaab dekhti hu aur haqiqqat me badalna chahti hu wo bhi kuch kam nahi hai, thoda lamba hai, pta nahi kyu par mujhko lambe ladke ache lagte hai, thoda sawla bhi hai, jab wo hasta hai to uske chere ki muskurahat se uski masumiyat jhalakti hai, moti aur gehri aanke hai, samundar jaisi, jisme koi bhi doob jaye. Samajhdar hona to bohot jaruri hai, mereko jo sambhalna hai. Kuch to alag hai usme, jitna usko dekhoge utna chahne lagoge. Shakal se jitna masoom dikhta hai, andar se utna hi shararti hai, hai na kitna khaas, jisko bhagwan ne mere liye bnaya hai. Log kahte hai ki shakal aur surat se koi farak nahi padta, jhut hai sab, sirf kahane , sunne aur logo ko sunnane k lye acha lagta hai, asliyat me koi nahi manta, m bhi nahi manti. Ha manna ki agar kabhi chunna hua shakal aur dil ke beech me to dil ko hi chunungi par agar khwaisho ki baat ki jaye to har kisi ki khwaishe khubsurat hi hoti hai. 

jitni lambi list hai meri, usko banane ke liye bhagwan ko kitni mehnat karni padegi, shayad isiliye bnaya hi nahi, agar bnaya bhi hai to uski bhi to list hogi,aur m to uski list me fit nahi aaungi, ye to pakka hai. Par theek hai jo bhi hai, meri story hai to meri hi fantasy matter karti hai, tabhi to nahi pata ye khaab hai ya haqiqat, khaab hi hai shayad, ek sunhara khaab. kitna haseen hai ye sab sochna aur mehsoos karna, uski baaho me lipat kar chain ki ssas lena, bollywood ke purane gaane ganna, usko dekh k muskura dena aur usi ke kande pe sir rakh k rona, apna future discuss karna, usse nazare chupa ke usko niharna, uske hotho pe apne hoth rakh kar zor se kaat lena, itna tight galle lgana hai ki usko saans aani band ho jaye, uski khusbboo me dub jana, jab bhi kuch naya pehnu sabse pehle usko dikhana hai,  pagalpan hai par karna hai ek bar, kisiko apni haad se bhi jyada chahna hai. Aur ye khaab aur haseen tab ho jata hai jab wo bhi usi hadd tak mujhe chahta hai, mere liye utna hu tadapta hia jitna main uske liye tadapti hu, wo bhi chip chipkar mujhko dekhne ki koshish karta hai, mujhe na dhund pane pe tadap uthta hai, jiski ankhe mera intazar karti hai, sabke samne uski nazare mujhpe hi ho, jab wo dekhe mujhe to me sharmau, khud ko aaine me uski nazaro se dekhkar muskurau, apni khushi ko kabu me na kar pau, koi jhijak na ho usse nazare milane me, jisski baate mere lye ho, jo mere andar ki cheepei "rani" ko bahar le aaye, jiske samne mujhe ye sochna na pade ki wo kya sochega, wo bhi mere kareeb aane ka mauka dhunde, janti hu ye school wala pyar hai par shayad kabhi hua nahi isilye ye sab experience karna chahti hu. Chahti hu, wo mujhko peeche se aake zor se pakad le, uske dono hath meri kamar me ho,itna tight ki me chuda na saku aur itna loose ki mujhko dard na ho, uske hoth mere kaano ke sath khelne ki koshish kar rhe ho, uski khushboo aisi ki me saas bhi na le pau aur rha bhi na pau. ye soch kar hi mere shareer me ek ajeeb si lehar daudti hai, janti hu adrenaline rush hota hai, par kya karu, apne apko rok hi nahi pati, ye sab itni baar socha hai maine, itni baar dekha hai ki kabhi kabhi haqqiat sa lagta hai. Ajeeb hai par yahi mera khaab hai. 

Day 1, 2020.

Days have changed now, puri duniya pareshan hai to mai kyu nahi. Main to tab bhi pareshan rehti thi jab duniya me koi pareshani nahi thi. Actually mera bhai bolta hai ki tu isiliye pareshan hai ki teri zindgi mai koi pareshani nahi hai. Ho sakta hai, wo pagal hai , kuch bhi bolta hai, literally kuch bhi.

To ab pareshani ye hai ki, i have shifted from chennai to Haryana, (hamesha k liye nahi but sirf kuch din k liye), so now i am at home. Home yani ki ghar, jha 3 ajnabee log (maa, papa and bhai) k sath pichle 4 saalo me total mila ke kuch 35 days spent kiya hai aur ab main yha hu 3 months se and i am still figuring out how to adjust with them, shayad jab tak 'pta chalega, wappis jane ka time aa jaega.

Whatever, so like other bhai-behen, me and my brother fights a lot, par kabhi kabhi we do talk, we share about apni stories, experience and all. So one good day when were not fighting and actually talking with each other, tab maine usko btaya ki, jab main chennai me thi to blog likhna shuru kiya tha, par jabse ghar aayi hu, time hi nahi milta and then he suggested, ki tere pass itni stories hai, why dont u pen them down. Initially i thought, ki theek hai, lets see, but then i realised that it is a very good idea, i should try this ( thoda to jaane lag gya hai ladka mujhe). 

31st Dec, 2019:

Office se wapis PG jate hue mai soch rahi thi ki, how i spent my last new years with my frns in college, aur abki bar akele, chennai mein. I have no one to go out with, Par theek hai, kuch to kar hi lenge, lets see. Jab tak main pg pohchi, i decided, ki mast sone wali hu, as i didnt sleep last night aur itne me hi meri PG warden n bola ki hum log sab milke cake cut karenge, sona mat. Ab point ye tha, ki agar me so gai to m 12 baje nahi uth paungi aur nahi soi to fir problem hogi, but then it was a holiday next day, to kya hi fark padta hai, so i decided to stay awake without knowing its after effects. At 11 pm, i went out aur dekha meri warden, rangoli bana rahi thi, aur unhone 15 min me puri rangoli bna bhi di. I always wondered how these south indians do it daily, after seeing my warden, i realised it how do they do it. They are really fast. Hum kuch 7 to 8 girls thi, we clicked photos with rangoli aur fir sab apne room me chale gaye. We were supposed to come out at 11:45 pm and i was suppose to bring my small speaker. At 11:50 pm, m bahar gayi and then, 12:00 baje, har jagah se shor, patakho ki awaz, mere speaker ke gaane aur wo tasty cake. hum sab zor se chilaya happy new years sabko cake khilaya , khud khaya bhi and it was nice. Ab bari thi dance karne ki, to m to hu besharam, mauka chahiye nachne ka, main wai shuru ho gayi aur baki sab dekhne lage. Then we decided to go to roof and dance. It was 12:30 am in night, we 5 girls and warden went to chaat, sbse upar wali and started dancing. It was windy, meri warden bhi dilbar dilbar pe thumke laga rahi thi aur hum maje kar rahe the. It was not great par ha mere expectation se to better hi tha. Hum sab last gaane pe nach hi rahe the ki itne me meri warden ne mujhse bola, ki ye chaar ladkiya sunrise dekhne mahabalipuram ja rahi hai, tumne bhi unke sath jana hai kya? Meri warden k kahane pe un ladiko ne pucha to sai par me unki hichak dekh aur mehsoos kar pa rahi thi aur waise bhi main un me se sirf ek ladki ko janti thi, to maine khudne hi unko mana kar diya aur socha, chodo, bohot hai aaj ke liye, mujhko kya pata tha ki bhagwan ne kuch aur hi soch rakha hai.

Ab sab thak gaye the aur me 2:00 am ko apne room wapis aa gayi. Ane ke baad socha ki, kya mai khud kabhi sunrise dekhne mahabalipuram jaungi? kya main apna first day soote hue bitaungi, nahi aur fir kya fark padta hai ki main unko janti hu ya nahi, i will enjoy my own aur ye sochte hue maine ussi ladki ko jisse main janti thi ,  phone kiya aur bola yaar main chalungi tumhare sath, bas utha dena, main soyi nahi hu 2 raat se. Usne bola 4 am tak uthaungi, 4:30 am tak chalenge. I was like ok, fine aur fir main so gayi. Ab me soi aisa ki mujhko koi hosh nahi hai aur meri aankh khuli 4:45 am pe. Khulte hi maine uss ladki ko phone kiya aur pucha:

me: tum chale gaye kya?

she: nahi abhi room par hi hai

Me: ok. par tumne mujhko uthaya kyu nahi?

She: Itna phone kiya tumko, tumhara gate bhi knock kiya par tum uthi nahi.

Me: Ok. Mujhko 5 min do, bas abhi ready hoti hu.

She: Nahi abhi nahi ja paogi tum

Clueless Me: Par kyu, tum to abhi room pe hi ho na, to me kyu nahi chal sakti?

Wierd She: Nahi car aane hi wala hai

Feeling wierd me: ha usse pehl ready ho jaungi, tum sab neeche aa jao.

She: Nahi tum nahi ja, paogi, acha ruko main tumhare room aati hu.

Me: ok. Aur me jhat se khadi ho gayi aur jitni der me wo mere room tak aayi, tab tak i was totally ready with full make up-shakeup, money and every thing.

She: Tum ready bhi ho gayi, maine kitna uthaya tumko, tum uthi hi nahi., Actually hum 4 log the aur tum uth nahi rahi thi isiliye humne chota car book kiya, par ab tum ready ho gayi ho, to bura lag rha hai bolne me.

I was shocked and devastated, for the very first time in my life, main 5 min me full ready thi jane ke liye but ab nahi ja sakti thi. 

Sad Me: Nahi nahi koi baat nahi, tum log jao, no problem. 

She: Arey mujhko bura lag rha hai, 

Me: No, no its fine, u all go, i will sleep back.

Her frn : ohh!! u got ready also, ok come, we will adjust and go.

Me (in mind): Adjust, that too with me, not possible

Me: No, its fine u people go, i will just change and sleep.

She and her frn left. I was feeling bad aur jyada bura lag rha tha kyuki ye new year hai. Maine socha, Kya main apna new year aise buri tarah se start karungi? kya me ab taiyar hui, soke uthi hui, kapde change karke firse so jaungi? NO, NEVER, maine unko phone kiya aur pucha ki koi aur rasta hai mahabalipuram jane ka? kya iss time pe bus mil jaegi mahabali puram ki, uski frn ne bola ha, mil jaegi. Maine unko full excitment me bola chalo fir mahabalipuram milte hai. Mujhko bus tak pohochne ka idea tha, pta tha ki ek point tak cab lena hai aur uske baad shared auto jo bus stop pe utar dega aur fir wha se bus. EK nahi khushi ki lehar dod rahi thi mere andar, aur dodegi bhi kyu nahi, kafi din baad kuch adventorous karne ja rahi thi, par kya pata tha ki ye to srf trailer hai, asli adventour abhi baki hai. 

With full excitment, i started searching for cab, koi cab nahi hai, me 15 min tak search kiya, kuch nahi mila, still i kept trying aur fir ek cab book hua, jsine 15 min baad ka pickup liya. theek hai koi baat nahi, atleast mila to. It was already 5:10 am aur main cab me baith gayi, aur maine ghar pe phone kiya.

Mummy: Tu soi nahi? kyuki itni jldi to tu nhi uthne wali.

Me: Na hi me soi aur guess karo me kaha ja rahi hu?

Shocked Mummy: Itni subh kha ja rahi hai?

Me: Mahabalipuram, aur wo bhi akele, abhi cab me hu, aur fir maine unko puri story btayi.

Mummy: Dekh ke, waha jake, unko mil lena, akele mat jana aur pta nahi kya kya!!!!

Me: Ha dekhte hai. 

Aur fir maine socha, unse milna jarurui kyu hai, lets see, aur fir itne me baarish shuru ho gayi. Shit, na umbrella hai mere pass aur mahabalipuram me, barish me bina chaate ke koi faida nahi hai. Ab mai kya karu, agar ab wapis gayi to jyada bura lagega, ab to un ladkio ko bhi bol diya hai full confidence ke sath ki mahabalipuram me milte hai, ghr walo ko bhi bol diya hai, ab kya karu, kya cab wale bhaiya ko double paise deke bolu ki wapis chod do. Itni subh taiyar hona, excitement, ca dhundne ki mehnat, double paise aur fir pg wapis jake so jana, nahi ye idea bilkul bhi acha nahi hai aur socha dekhi jaegi jo hoga. Ab baat izzat ki thi, gumne ki nahi. Aur ab hum itni der me uss point pe pohoch gaye jha se shared auto leke aage jana tha. Itni barrish me aur itni subh koi bhi auto nahi tha, ye to maine phle socha hi nahi, par ab kya. Cabwale bhaiya kafi ache the, unhone kha, madam aap, cab me hi baithe rahiye, itni barish me kaha jaegi, jab tak auto nahi milta. humne 5 min wait kiya, aur maine unko kha, rhne do bhaiya, aap, yahi utar dijiye, koi baat nahi, to uss bhale insan ne, u turn leke, ek dukan pe utar diya. Bhagwan ki kripa se ek auto wale bhaiya, uss dukan me hi baithe the, cab driver ne tamil me unko bola ki inko bus stop tak chod do aur wo auto driver maan gye. 

Ab me khush thi, ki chalo,, auto to mil gaya, ab to pohoch hi jaenge. Raste, auto me 2 aur log chade, worker lag rhe the. Ab shuru hota hai asli adventure, auto wale bhaiya ko sirf tamil aati hai aur muhko sirf english and hindi, aur baki do logo ko bhi shyd srf tamil hi aati thi, auto wale bhaiya tamil me mujhko samjha rhe hai, "ki barish bhot hai, bus stop pe shed nahi hai, maapko next bus stop pe chod dunga par waha bus khud nahi rukegi, apko rokni padegi", aur maine bina samjhe unko apni tooti phuti tamil me bola theek hai, jo sai lage. Ab tension shuru hui jab maine jis stop se bus lene ka pata tha wo bus stop cross kar liya tha aur ab mujhko samjh nahi aaya kya karu, jab tak m samjh pati ya kuch react karti, auto wale bhaiya ne next stop pe utar diya. Meri jaan me jaan aayi aur maine socha, "Chalo shukaar hai, kam se kam, koi khatra to nahi hai, auto wala sai hai, bas shayad unko samjh nahi aaya kaha autarna hai, is wajah se mujhko yha utar diya, chalo koi baat nahi." Maine unko paise diye aur m bus stop pe khadi ho gayi, abhi kuch 5:40 am baja tha subh ka aur kafi andjera tha, uss stop pe ki bhi nahi tha, maine kafi der wait kiya aur ehsas kiya ki ki bhi bus ruk nhi rahi thi, seeha ja rahi thi. Ab mujhko samjh aaya ki wo auto wale bhaiya kya khna chahte the, shit, ab me kya karu, itna andhera, spex bhi nahi lgaya hua, kuch samjh nahi aa rha kya likha hai bus pe , dkh bhi nahi rha bus h ya uch aur, An me kya karu. Firse mere dimag ke ghodo ne race lagani shuru ki aur maine socha ki main tamil nadu me hu, bus pe pehle tamil me likha aegaa, jab tak english me aega aur me kaise taise krke usse padh paungi tab tak bus chali jaegi, to isse acha, ab jo bhi bada vehicle dikhe usko sadak pe jake rok lungi. Jab tak me sochna khatam karti tab tak ek bus jaisa kuch aata dikhai diya, aur maine sochna chod kar, sadak ke beech me kud gayi aur usko rokne ki koshish ki. Maine aisa pehli bar kiya hai apni zindagi me, khair aaj bohot kuch pehli bar ho rha tha to ye bhi sai. Wo bus thi aur wo ruk bhi gayi, maine jaise taise krke unko bola mahabalipuram, aur unhone mujhko andar chdha liya, conductor bhaiya khud bonnet pr baith gye aur mujhko apni seat de di. Ab maine apne ek tamil frn jo ki india me nahi hai, usko whatsapp kiya aur btaya sab, usne mujhse pucha kaunsi bus hai? Shit, mujhko to pta hi nahi hai kaunsi bus hai, sab so rahe hao andra, deluxe types kuch lag rahi hai. ab me dar gayi. Darte darte maine conductor se pucha, ticket, he said no ticket, fuck, me bhot dar gayi. Usne bola just give 30 Rs, maine unko 100 Rs diya aur unhone tamil me bola change ilye, maine kha i have  just 20 Rs change, unhon bola thhek hai, wai dedo. AB main aur darr gayi, ye ticket kyu nahi de rhe ahi, ye bus sai to hai na aur sochne lagi agar kalko kuch ho jata hai to mujhko to pta bhi nahi hai kaunsi bus hai, kha ja rhi hai, kaun log hai. Ab main kya karu. Darte darte maine conductor se pucha, ticket kyu nahi hai, wo bola ki AC bus ticket ilye. Maine apna phone dekha to usme 35% battery, ab maine socha, koi faida nahi hai kuch bhi sochne ka, na phone me battery waste karne ka. Lets see kha ajte hai aur kya hota hai. Actually shyd meri gakti nai hai, hum north indians ki adat hai shaqq karne ki. Jab tak main ye sab soch rhi thi itne me, driver ke samne wale sheeshe se orange color ki kiran dikhai di. Ab mere samne do hi raste the, ya to me darru aur pareshan ho jau ya me sun rise enjoy karu, to maine apne phone me maps khola aur uske baad mast sun rise enjoy kiya. It was so bright and clear, itna acha kabhi nahi laga. It was mesmerizing, meri neend se bhari aankhe khul gayi, dimag me jo sab chal rha tha, sab shant ho gya. It was beauty, it was nature. Sunrise se thodi der baad hi driver ne bola, mahablipuram highway, go aur me wha utar gayi. Utarne ke baad, bus ke peeche se padha to samjh aaya ki over night long route ki bus thi, jisne akela dekh kar chdha liya tha. Chennai me log ache hai. Atleast ab tak jo log mujhko mile hai is tour pe, sab ache hai. 

Utar to me gayi thi par ab kha jau, mahabalipuram ke andar to thoda idea tha par highway se andar tak kaise jana hai, kaha jana hai kuch samjh nahi aa rha tha. Phone pe bhi battery kam thi, ab me kya karu? Itni hi der me mujhko 2 auto dikha, aur mujhko yaad aaya ki office me ki kisne btaya tha ki ek pure din ka auto karo wo sara ghuma deta hai, maine socha yai krte hai. Maine dono se rate pucha to ek ne bola 650 Rs aur dusre ne 450 Rs, par 650 Rs wale bhaiya ne bola mujho hindi aata hai. For sure, aur kuch nahi chahiye tha, ab aur koi panga nahi, hindi wala bhaiya ke sath hi jana hai, aur me apne sare north indian bargaining skills use krke unko 500 Rs m mana liya. Hum ajeeb hai, hum logo ko kafi kusi milti hai paise kam krane me, mujhko to proud ho rha tha, subh se jo bhi kiya abhi tak. 

Auto me baith kar maine apni dost ko phone kiya jaanne ke liye ki wo log kha par hai, usne btaya ki wo shore temple par hai aur auto wale ne btaya ki hum wha last me jaenge, to theek hai waise bhi aab mere andar ek kism ka josh aur ullas bhar chuka tha to maine socha ki mai akeli hi ghumne jaungi. With full confidence and enthusiasm, i started my trip, aur maine ghumna shuru kiya.

Akele hi sahi, par acha lag rha tha, Maine shuru kiya ghumna, aas pass dekhna, Alag logo se baat karna. Thodi der me maine auto wale bhaiya ko bola ki nashta karna hai kai pe chod dijiye. Unhone mujhko ek restaurant ke samne chod diya. Andar jake pucha maine unse ki kya hai available, unhone bola, dosa, idli aur aloo ki sabzi puri. Tab mere andar ka naya janma south indian jaga aur maine unko bola ki el ghee podi dosa dene ko. wo meri zindagi ka sbse tasty nashta tha. Bahar ki barish ki thandak, garam garam ghee podi dosa, bas ab laga ki saal ki shuruat isse achi nahi ho sakti thi. 

Breakfast krne ke baad, maine apni zindagi ka pehla umbrella kharida, kyuki mujhko chaate ki zarurat nahi padi. Uske baad maine baki jagah par ghumi, photos kheechi, logo se apni photos bhi click krai aur fir last me main shore temple pohochi. Pura temple ghumne ke baad, main sath wale sea shore pe gayi. Wha pe shopping ki, sabhi jagah jake sea ka maja liya. Whaa pe kafi maja kiya maine, sea side pe wo ring wale game nhi hote the jo hum bachpan me khelte the, wo bhi khela, jo man me aay akiya, thodi si bachkani harkate bhi ki. It was very joyous and full of satisfaction. Sabse ajeeb baat to ye thi ki maine barish ki wajahs e chata khola hua tha aur neeche se samundre ke pani se bheegi hui thi. pta nahi me kis duniya me thi, kin khayalo me khoi hui thi, par jo bhi tha sab bhot acha tha. 

Ab maine socha ki wapis jana chahiye, to fir maine sara mahabalipuram ghumne ke baad, unhi auto driver ko bola ki mereko bus lena hai chennai ka, uske liye bus stop pe chod dijiye. Unhone mujhko wapis highway par hi chod diya, jha mujhko governemnt bus mil gayi. Jab maine bus conductor se ticket ka price puccha to unhone btaya ki 60 Rs, aur mujhko kafi hassi aayi ki subh to main 20 Rs me aa gayi thi wo bhi itne ache sun rise view ke sath. Ab maine socha ki wapis ka expense balance karne ke liye, main bus me hi hostel tak jaungi. wapis me mujhko ek north inidian couple mil gaye jisne baat karte karte raste ka pta hi nahi chla aur main apna tour pura karke wapis pg pohoch gayi 1:30 pm tak. Mujhko bheega dekh kar meri warden ne pucha ki kha thi tum, subh se tumko dhund rahe hai, fir tumhari jo dost mahabalipuram gayi thi usne btaya ki tum akeli mahabalipuram chali gayi ho, wo sunte hi maine unse pucha ki kya meri dost wapi aa gayi hai, aur unhone btaya ki ha wo apne kamre me hai. Maine apne room me ja kar, fresh ho kar , nha dho kar lunch lene gayi, tab mujhko waha meri wai dost mili. Unse maine pucha ki wo kab aayi, to uhone btaya ki wo 9:30 am ko hi wapis aa gayi thi, na hi un logo ne dhang se sunrise dekha, kyuki wo late ho chuke the, nah unhone baki jagah ghuma kyuki barish ho rahi thi aur wo log jaldi hi wapis aa gaye. Ye sunkar to meri khushi ka thikana hi nahi raha, isliye nahi ki wo ghum nahi paye par iss wajahs e ki acha hua main akeli gayi aur maine pure maje kiye. Isi khushi ke sah mai so gayi aur baki ka din apni neend puri ki.

Chehre pe itni khushi thi ki samjh hi nahi aa rha tha ki aisa kya kiya maine, ek satisfaction ki lehar, dil me confidence, chahe mahabalipuram jana koi badi baat nahi hai, shyd utna ghumne wali jagah bhi nahi hai, aur shayad akele mahabalipuram jana bhi utna bada kam nahi hai,bina soche, bina decide kare, bina kisi ki maddad se, ye sab karna mere liye bhot badi baat hai. Wo daar ka abhass, wo tamil na samjh pane ki confusion, wo driver mirror se sunrise dekhne ka sukh, wo garam ghee podi dosa, wo sea side ke games, wo barrish, sab bhot khubsurat experimce tha mere liye. to aise kiya maine apni life ka pehla solo trip or tour (jo bhi kehlo) aur aise kiya spend maine Day 1 of 2020. 

Just chill pandu 😆😆

I was just scrolling down the photos in my phone's gallery, and saw this picture. This i clicked in kerela, when i went for my roommate's wedding, this January (yeah she recently got married 😍😍😍). En route to her place, I chanced upon this calm and soothing view.
It's not like i have lots of time to kill but sometimes u have to find out a distraction, u have to keep your brain busy so that u do not get unnecessary thoughts. Yeah i overthink, my brain is always full of thoughts (both positive and negative). I get confused easily while taking a decision, even a small one, like: what to cook or what to wear or should I go to roof or should i watch hindi series or not. Sometimes I find it difficult to converse, i keep on thinking, what to say, how to say, what they will think, how they will react(such a vella person i am 😉). I even plan for my response, if they will say this then I will say that. Its funny but I can imagine the whole conversation, including replies from both ends(weird but only sometimes,not always 😁). U know what, if someone will say something to me in an unexpected manner, I will not be able to reply to them and then i get hurt (as it didn't go according to my script 😆😆)and then again i think of all the possible ways i could have responded and then after a lot of overthinking, i will console my self by saying, i will for sure respond (unko unhi ki bhasha m jawab dena kind of stuff) and prepare myself for the next battle but i don't know how i lose it, the other person always has a response to which i do not have reply and then later i will again think of all the possible responses.
Then to stop this over thinking, i will again think but this time, it's not for outside battle but for the battle of my brain: Is it really worth wasting my time, should I care about the conversation that has not happened yet, do they even care, to which my Great brain replies NO and say "Just Chill PANDU". This picture shows the calmness of nature from outside and battle going on inside (metaphor h yha pe 😂😂😂 ).

Let's go hand in hand

As i decided to stay in chennai, I thought of showing my love and gratitude to the city by making uttapam. Afterall we both have to bear each other, so why not to do it with love. It's not that i have shifted to this place recently, I have been here since last August but still i feel that I do not belong to this place, I am still searching for my comfort or my feel here. Chennai is nice, people are good, nice beaches, rasam, tender coconut, everything is fine but still something is missing, something that makes u feel at home. May be it's because of the difference between the culture, language, food habits of North India and South India that bothers me or may be not ( I don't know). I think its my craziness that is making it hard for Chennai to accept me.
Sometimes it's fun, when I try to talk to the local people in Tamil. I tell them in Tamil that I don't know Tamil by saying "Tamil theriyaathu" Which means, I don't know Tamil (these are the main and most probably only entries in my Tamil vocabulary 😁😁). Some people will laugh but most of them get confused and ask me in tamil, then how u just now told in tamil that u don't know tamil (i know because this is the same sentence I hear most of the time 😋😋). Just to clear the confusion, i throw my another statement "kunjam kunjam theriyuum" Which means i know thoda thoda, this makes them more suspicious and give me my required fun and masti 😉😉. I made an assembled uttappam. I tried making it in one single piece but i came out as my tamil vocabulary (incomplete and broken).

Kagaz, kalam, aur siyahi

My office announced work from home today. I was so excited that no subah subah ki bhag daud, no khane ki tension (online kya order krna h 😅), no boring life anymore, I can work as well as enjoy the laziness.(phli bar mil rha tha itne dino k liye work from home)

I recently came back from home (sirf 3 din phle), till then every thing was fine (fine according to me at least). I went for holi (actually to meet my friends (naye wale)), it went so well, we had lots of colors, balloons, and a pool full of water and colors: in short amiro wali holi. And then suddenly this work from home, "I THOUGHT", I just came back from home and then this thing may last only for a week or two what is the point of going back. So I decided to stay in Chennai. While coming back from office, i was so excited that I couldn't wait and I called my roommate to tell about the sensational news and then she told me she is going home 😩. She was happy, me too, because she was excited for going home. (Surprisingly people of our age still get excited to go home 😉). Neither excited nor sad, I marked the begining of my akela wala lock down by writing these lines.

Sunday brunch

I was not sure of uploading this photo but then generally half eaten food items make them look more tempting (😉😉😉) I got so much motivated with "naya shauk" that the very next morning I decided to hit the kitchen again (waise bhi Sunday hi to tha) to make my favorite cuisine😂😂 (bcoz i used my pushtaini style of food making 😂😂) " aloo wale sandwich". I was so hungry that I ate it and then realised that I have to click a picture of it (foodie u know) and then aloo is jaan of all the North indian food items, how could I have resisted it. So this was my very first successful attempt (bcoz we both, me n my roommate liked it) of the motivation 😂

It's me

After realising that I cannot make good coconut trees anymore 😔, I was feeling low (how can someone be sad for this stupid thing ). I went outside, talked to my frns tried listening to punjabi music (those high beats fill me with energy ), but nothing worked. I even searched for motivational quotes on google (aahhhnnn, I do such stuff 😉). I was searching for something that can cheer me up. After wasting an hour or two, i finally picked up that fancy named slate to do something with it (naya shauk). I started writing and trying to motivate myself, and then realised, it's no one else but me who is thinking that way, that nothing has changed. People are happy and busy in their lives and everything is in the same place except me, I realised what I was searching for is probably there inside me, waiting to be discovered. In that moment this "naya shauk" Seemed to fill me with a lot of joy and enthusiasm. So it means we just have to feel motivated from inside, it can be triggered by anything (literally anything 😂😂). I hope u will find ur trigger soon.

The old scenery

So i was so tired after making my "pehli rasoi" that i did not enter the kitchen for next 3 days 😁😁. The sole reason of me and my roommate shifting to new flat "home made food" started fading away.
I bought a new LCD writing pad (don't go by the name, it looks fancy but actually is the magic slate that we all use to have in our bachpan). So to do justice to it and my boredom, I decided to draw a coconut tree, the very essence of all the scenery I used to make in my drawing classes: Triangular even sized mountains with dark brown boundaries and light brown color filled into it; a half or may be one forth sun coming out from in between the third and forth mountain with alternative yellow and orange rays; two or three black birds (most easy part of the scenery as I used to just strike off a small line with black wax color); an endless river that started from mountains; a single house exactly in the right corner of the river (page) with a light brown colored gate, yellow walls, red roof and a single window, that house sometimes had dark green colored grass also (depending on my mood); and a stand-alone bent coconut tree exactly in other corner of the river, leaves were made with 3 different shades of green starting from dark green, then medium and at the end light green, sometimes I used to add some yellow to it to make it look more natural (pta nhi kyu). After showing all my artistic skills on the leaves, i used to be so tired that bark was made from a single dark brown color.
I did it and even kept my signature as all other ARTISTS do. After looking at The FINAL DRAFT, fallen coconuts (two mango like creatures in the bottom), bend in the coconut tree and the tongue of the smiling face, i realized i m no more an expert in it. 😔😔😔😔