Ek khaab haqqiqat sa

 

Ek khaab hai jo haqiqat sa lagta hai, pta nahi ki sach m khaab hai ya haqiqiat. Shayad meri kisi khwaish ne usko khaab k roop me dekhne pe majboor kiya hai. Roz aanhe bharti hu uske baare me soch kar, kabhi kabhi baate bhi kar liya karti hu, kafi sapne sanjoye hai uske baare me, uske sath, kai bar itna doob jati hu uske khayalo mein ki pura kissa soch leti hu, aur fir alag alag situation me kaise react krta, ki agar aisa hoga to aisa karte, sath me ghumte, baate karte, sirf battein nahi aur bohot kuch bhi........ Dekha kitna drama bhara hai mere andar, Chahti to m bohot kuch hu, pyar bhi m bohot karti hu, par pta nhi kisse, kaun hai wo, kha hai, hai bhi ya nahi. Ek muraat hai jo maine apne dil mein, dimag me bnai hai. Usme wo sab gunn hai jo mujhko chahiye, jo mujhe passand hai, agar passand nahi bhi hai fir bhi jo mera hai. Shayad meri tadap ne meri khwasiho ko ek roop de diya hai jisko mein soch sakti hu, jisske sath main baaten kar skti hu, jiske sath hass sakti hu, ro sakti hu par usko chu kar mehsoos nahi kar skti. 

Janti hu ye padhne k baad kuch log judge karne wale hai mujhko, bhot log sochenge ki ye meri story h ya meri fantasy hai aur kafi log bechara feel karenge mere liya, sab sai hai, par life me tension nahai hai. 

 

Main ek aaj ke zamane ki ladki hu, bas jamane se thoda dheere chalti hu, apne wajan ki wajah se. Chahti to main bohot kuch hu, sochti uska bhi 10 guna hu par karti uska 0.001% bhi nahi aisa meri maa aur mera bhai ka kahna hai. Jo bhi hu jaisi bhi hu, apni nazaro mein kafi khubsurat hu aur kisi se kam bhi nahi hu. Ya fir apni kamiyo ko andekha karke dikhawa karne ki adat si ho gayi hai, apni ankho ko aur kano ko band kar diya hai taki logo ka majak, unki hassi, unke tanne, meri nakal utarna, mreko dekh ke hairan hona, peeth peeche batten karna ye sab na hi sun saku aur na hi dekh saku. Khud ka majak bnati hu taki sab hass sake aur dusro ko mera majak bnane ka mauka na mile. Bura lagta hai, bohot bura lagta hai jab koi aur majak banata hai. Bachpan mein ek insecurity thi meri dil mein, mujhko lagta tha ki koi mereko ladki kyu samjhega, ya koi mereko chedega kyu, isilye agar koi kuch kahta tha ya chedta tha to main sochti thi ki nahi sari duniya mar gayi hai kya jo wo mereko chedenge ya mere peeche aayega aur fir main jaake unse dosti karne ki koshish karti thi taki wo ye sab na kare aur mere dost ban jaye. Taki wo mera dookh samjh sake aur ye sab band karde. Mujhko lagta tha ki wo ye sab jaanboojh kar, kar rhe hai taki mera majak bna sake. Mujhko pta hai ki wo ye sab jaan bujhkar kar rhe hai kyuki wo bhi jante hai ki m apne bare me kya sochti hu. Meri khud ki soch ki wajah se main chup rehti thi aur kisiko kuch nahi kahti thi. Bas ek khayal ki koi kaise mujh jaisi k peeche pad sakta hai mere dil me sma gya tha. Shayad abhi bhi aisa hi lagta hai. Par ab ek cheez hai jo maine band rakhna chod diya hai aur wo hai mera muhh, har waqt bolti hu, kisise bhi bol leti hu, kuch bhi bol leti hu,kitni der bhi bol leti hu, acha lagta hai,khushi milti hai ya ye mere andar chupi ek choti si ladki ko chupa leta hai. Wo ladki, jisko logo ki attention bohot passand hai, ladki ki tarah sharmana, sajna, sawarna acha lagta hai, ladkiyo ki tarah kapde pehnana, hasna, bolna, chalna acha lagta hai, jisko kisi ladke k chune se kuch kuch hota hai, jisko pasand hai ki koi usko dekhe, uski tareef kare, usse alag mehsoos kraye, wai girlfrend - boyfriend wala relationship, manna ki bacho wali baate hai par kisko acha nahi lagta ki usko koi poore group me usko special attention de, Usko hi nihare ya ye kahu ghurta rahe aur nazre milne pe nazre chura le, usse milne ki koshish kare, usse ghaitya jokes pe bhi hasse, uska sath de, laade bhi ussi se aur pyar bhi usi ko kare. Huhhhhh, btaya na sochti bohot hu aur itni sab khwaisho ko apne andar dafan karke rakhi hu. Ye chupi hui ladki bahar wali ladki se bilkul alag hai. 

Bahar wali ladki ekdum bindass, ekdum bold hai, jo uske man me aata hai wo bolti hai, jisse man aata hai usse bolti hai, ladka ya ladki har koi dost hai, sabka khyal rakhti hai, kuch bhi pehen leti, sabka majak udati hai, jab man kiya , jo man kiya wo karti hai, hardum khush rehti hai ya khush rehne ka dikhawa karti hai. Par jo bhi hai jaisi bhi hai andar ya bahar apni apni jagah sahi hai, khush hai. Bahar wali ladki jab bhi akeli hoti hai to apne andar ki dafan ki hui ladki ko jga deti hai, apni khwaisho ki ek duniya me ghus jati hai, jiski wo rani hai, jis duniya ki wo sabse khubsurat ladki hai, jis duniya mein usko koi judge nahi karta , koi kuch bolta nahi, jis duniya mein sab usko pyar karte hai ya uske diwane hai, usko pana chahte hai, jis duniya me sab free hai. Ajeeb hai par uski duniya hai, aur uski duniya mai koi usko judge nahi karta aur iss duniya me kaun kya kahta hai uuse usko fark nahi padta. Kai bar lagta hai ki m hi itni ajeeb hu ya fir ye sabke sath hota hai. Shayad sabke do roop hote hai, ek jo sabke samne aur ek jo har kisi k samne nahi hota. Bas fark itna hai ki kisi kisi ko wo log miljate hai jinke samne wo apna chupa hua roop bhi dikha sake, jinke samne wo jaise bhi hai andar ya bahar, sab dikha sake. Main bhi wai insan dhundh rhi hu jiske samne mai apna azadi wala roop aur sharmati hui rani wala ropp dono dikha saku, jo main hu, jaisi hu, usko khushi ke sath apna le. Hum sab shayad yahi chahte hai, har koi kahi na kahi apne liye acceptance dhundh rha hai. 

A tall, dark and handsome ladke ki chahat to har kisi ke dil me hoti hai par mere dil main nahi hai, mereko un logo pe vishvas hi nahi hota. Mujhko apne jaise perfectly imperfect log ache lagte hai jinme hazaro kamiya hoti hai. Shayad ache to perfect log bhi lgte hai par janti hu ki wo log mere liye nahi hai ya main unn jaise logo k bare m soch bhi nahi sakti, waise bhi agar kabhi aisa koi mila bhi to shayad main kabhi usko pyar nahi kar paungi kyuki mere dil me usko leke hamesha ek insecurity rahegi. 

Waise jiska khaab dekhti hu aur haqiqqat me badalna chahti hu wo bhi kuch kam nahi hai, thoda lamba hai, pta nahi kyu par mujhko lambe ladke ache lagte hai, thoda sawla bhi hai, jab wo hasta hai to uske chere ki muskurahat se uski masumiyat jhalakti hai, moti aur gehri aanke hai, samundar jaisi, jisme koi bhi doob jaye. Samajhdar hona to bohot jaruri hai, mereko jo sambhalna hai. Kuch to alag hai usme, jitna usko dekhoge utna chahne lagoge. Shakal se jitna masoom dikhta hai, andar se utna hi shararti hai, hai na kitna khaas, jisko bhagwan ne mere liye bnaya hai. Log kahte hai ki shakal aur surat se koi farak nahi padta, jhut hai sab, sirf kahane , sunne aur logo ko sunnane k lye acha lagta hai, asliyat me koi nahi manta, m bhi nahi manti. Ha manna ki agar kabhi chunna hua shakal aur dil ke beech me to dil ko hi chunungi par agar khwaisho ki baat ki jaye to har kisi ki khwaishe khubsurat hi hoti hai. 

jitni lambi list hai meri, usko banane ke liye bhagwan ko kitni mehnat karni padegi, shayad isiliye bnaya hi nahi, agar bnaya bhi hai to uski bhi to list hogi,aur m to uski list me fit nahi aaungi, ye to pakka hai. Par theek hai jo bhi hai, meri story hai to meri hi fantasy matter karti hai, tabhi to nahi pata ye khaab hai ya haqiqat, khaab hi hai shayad, ek sunhara khaab. kitna haseen hai ye sab sochna aur mehsoos karna, uski baaho me lipat kar chain ki ssas lena, bollywood ke purane gaane ganna, usko dekh k muskura dena aur usi ke kande pe sir rakh k rona, apna future discuss karna, usse nazare chupa ke usko niharna, uske hotho pe apne hoth rakh kar zor se kaat lena, itna tight galle lgana hai ki usko saans aani band ho jaye, uski khusbboo me dub jana, jab bhi kuch naya pehnu sabse pehle usko dikhana hai,  pagalpan hai par karna hai ek bar, kisiko apni haad se bhi jyada chahna hai. Aur ye khaab aur haseen tab ho jata hai jab wo bhi usi hadd tak mujhe chahta hai, mere liye utna hu tadapta hia jitna main uske liye tadapti hu, wo bhi chip chipkar mujhko dekhne ki koshish karta hai, mujhe na dhund pane pe tadap uthta hai, jiski ankhe mera intazar karti hai, sabke samne uski nazare mujhpe hi ho, jab wo dekhe mujhe to me sharmau, khud ko aaine me uski nazaro se dekhkar muskurau, apni khushi ko kabu me na kar pau, koi jhijak na ho usse nazare milane me, jisski baate mere lye ho, jo mere andar ki cheepei "rani" ko bahar le aaye, jiske samne mujhe ye sochna na pade ki wo kya sochega, wo bhi mere kareeb aane ka mauka dhunde, janti hu ye school wala pyar hai par shayad kabhi hua nahi isilye ye sab experience karna chahti hu. Chahti hu, wo mujhko peeche se aake zor se pakad le, uske dono hath meri kamar me ho,itna tight ki me chuda na saku aur itna loose ki mujhko dard na ho, uske hoth mere kaano ke sath khelne ki koshish kar rhe ho, uski khushboo aisi ki me saas bhi na le pau aur rha bhi na pau. ye soch kar hi mere shareer me ek ajeeb si lehar daudti hai, janti hu adrenaline rush hota hai, par kya karu, apne apko rok hi nahi pati, ye sab itni baar socha hai maine, itni baar dekha hai ki kabhi kabhi haqqiat sa lagta hai. Ajeeb hai par yahi mera khaab hai.